French's International Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and 
' the United States) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors 



I No. 310 



\ MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS 



BY 

MARION SHORT 

CJOPTBIGHT, 1918, BY SAHUEL FbENOH. 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 

CAUTION": Professionals and Amateurs are hereby 
warned that "MISS SOMEBODY ELSE," being fully 
protected under the copyright laws of the United 
States, is subject to royalty, and anyone presenting 
the play without the consent of the owner or her au- 
thorized agents will be liable to the penalties by law 
provided. Application for the acting rights must be 
made to Samxiel French, 28-30 West 38th Street, New 
York. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 



SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

25-30 WEST 38th Street 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



k 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS 



BY 

MARION SHORT, 



Copyright, 1018, by Samuei French. 



ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



CAUTION: Professionals and Amateurs are hereby 
warned tha. " MISS SOMEBODY ELSE," being fully 
protected under the copyright laws of the United 
States, is subject to royalty, and anyone presenting 
the play without the consent of the owner or her au- 
thorized agents will be liable to the penalties by law 
provided. Application for the acting rights must be 
made to Samuel French, 28-30 West 38th Street, New 
York. 



SAMUEL FRENCH 
publisher 
28-30 West 38th Street 
New York 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAIN) 






NOV 15 1918 

©CI.D 50709 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 
CAST OF CHARACTERS 



Constance Darcy, the brilliant young daughter of 
^ Harvey Darcy, a multi-millionaire mine 

try owner and proprietor of the Darcyville Cop- 

iper Mills. 
Celeste, a vivacious French maid in the employ 
^^ of Constance. 

H Ann Delavan, a reduced gentlewoman, manager 
^ of the Tuxedohrook Club House. 

^ Mildred Delavan, eighteen-year-old daughter of 
^ Ann and Jasper Delavan. She is light- 

headed, fond of display, sentimental, vain. 
Mrs. Blainwood, a society leader of Tuxedobrook. 
Fay Blainwood, Mrs. Blainwood's debutante 

daughter. 
Alice Stanley, a graceful society girl, 
Freda Mason, a typical society girl in appearance. 
Mrs. Herrick, a beautiful young society matron. 
Susan Ruggs, Mrs. Delavan's maid-servant. She 
is of a melancholy disposition and uncertain 
age. Her hair is arranged zvith rigid prim- 
ness and she carries herself stiffly. 
Cruger Blainwood, Mrs. Blainwood's only son, a 

fine type of young American manhood. 
Ralph Hastings, a young crook. He is exceed- 
ingly well groomed, and has easy, attractive 
manners. 
John, chauffeur to Constance. He is heavy-set, and 

good-natured, but dignified. 
Jasper Delavan, an elderly scientist. He has a 
benevolent lovable countenance. He dresses 
unconventionally, and there is generally a 
lock of iron gray hair hanging over ' his 
forehead. 

3 



4 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Sylvester Crane, a diffident chap of good family. 
He is about tzventy-three years of age. 

Bert Shaffer, an enthusiastic, but azvkward mem- 
ber of the younger society set of Tuxedo- 
brook. 

Suggestion : Extra young men and tvomen may be 
used in ensemble scenes in Acts III and IV 
to good effect. 

LIST OF PROPERTIES 



Worn Silk Gown. 

Chemical Test-tubes. 

Gas- HOOD With Cape. 

Ledgers. 

Writing Materials. 

Trays. 

Tea Service Sets. 

Covered Dish of Toast. 

Bill. 

Letter. 

Note. 

Catalogue. 

Newspaper. 

Traveling Bags. 

Automobile Robe. 

Wraps. 

Fancy Basket. 

Assorted Fans. 

Menu Cards. 

Pins. 

Vase. 

Rose. 

Damaged Leather Satchel. 

Pistol. 

Garden Shears. 

Tissue Paper. 

Business Cards. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 



ACT I. 

Time: The present. II A. M. of a day in June. 

Scene. A small tea-room in the Tiixedohrook Club 
. House. A tea-table zvith chairs stands 
at R. and a duplicate one bare of ornament at 
L. Wicker chairs and settee give the room a 
semi-informal effect, but there is no attempt at 
ornamentation. Hall backing to archzvay en- 
trance at c. Doors r. and l. Door at l. leads 
into laboratory. Door r. to larger tea-room and 
other parts of the house. 

Discovered: Mrs. Delavan in immaculate zvhite 
linen dress. Miedred, in girlish sport outfit 
of a bright color, stands near her. A handsome 
but somewhat zvorn silk gozvn is spread out 
for inspection across the back of a chair. Mrs. 
Delavan lifts a fold of it to exhibit as she 
speaks. 

Mrs. Delavan. Couldn't this old one of mine 
be made over into an evening gown that would do, 
Aliidred? It isn't badly worn. 

Mildred. No, dear Mama, it's too grandmoth- 
erly for dancing. 

Mrs. Delavan. (Spreads the skirt out to its full 
5' 



6 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

width) Trimming would relieve it, and it has such 
a nice width of skirt. 

Mildred. But what's the use of bothering with 
it when I've set my heart on that cute dancing frock 
in Slattery's window? It's been marked down 
from thirty-five to — guess what? 

Mrs. Delavan. Such a splendid, solid weave — 
feel of it, dear. 

Mildred. Thirty-three seventy-five, and has rose- 
bud trimming and a gold embroidered girdle. 

Mrs. Delavan. {With a sigh) If you knew 
how it hurt your mother's heart to deny you any- 
thing 

Mildred. Then why deny me? I've noticed lots 
of times that the more we Delavans give in to 
being poor the poorer we grow. I can't see that 
we're better off when I do without things than when 
I don't. And all the girls dress so beautifully at 
Freda's week-end parties. 

Mrs. Delavan. {Begins to fold up the rejeeted 
gown) Very well, then, dear, you can get the 
money out of the bead-bag on the dresser in my 
room. 

Mildred. I thought you'd be sensible about it, 
Mama. {Kisses her mother) 

Mrs. Delavan. I'm afraid I'd be more sensible 
if I paid the grocer something on account this morn- 
ing, 

Mildred. Oh, he knows you're good for it some 
day, and a girl can't stop living just on account of 
sugar and flour, now can she? Just wait until I 
marry a millionaire and I'll have party-gowns for 
every evening in the year. 

Mrs. Delavan. What a little rattle-pate you 
are! 

Mildred. Maybe I'm not so rattly as you think, 
Mama. Mr. Hastings has just begged me for the 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 7 

first and last dances at Freda's hop on Saturday 
night, and a few in between. 

Mrs. Delavan. Which Mr. Hastings? I hope 
you don't mean the man who is engaged to Fay 
Blainwood ? 

Mildred. (With an unbelieving shrug of the 
shoulders) It's common gossip they're engaged, 
of course, but I haven't heard him admit it yet, 
and he admires me enormously. At least all the 
girls say he acts as if he did. And he owns timber 
lands and oil-wells out West, and has so much 
money he just doesn't know what to do with it! 
And to think I was on the point of accepting Bennie 
Spencer, who may never rise above working for a 
salary ! 

Mrs. Delavan. My little girl must not fall in 
love with a man who belongs to some one else. 
That means only heart-ache. 

Mildred. But if he's so devoted to Fay Blain- 
wood, why does he spend most of his time in Bridge- 
ton instead of here in Tuxedobrook? 

Mrs. Delavan. Isn't it because he has business 
interests there? 

Mildred. Oh, he is building a dancing pavilion 
on the lake front, I believe, just for pastime, but 
he could motor back to Tuxedobrook every eve- 
ning just the same if he cared to, couldn't he? You 
wait until he sees me in that gown made of sun- 
beams and sky-blue chiffon! But I mustn't stand 
here any longer. I'll miss that last train for 
Bridgeton, and besides I want to say good-bye to 
Daddy. Where is he? 

Mrs. Delavan. Busy in his laboratory, I sup- 
pose. (Enter Jasper c.) No, there he is now. 

Mildred. Well, Daddy, you're just in time to 
receive a parting kiss! Bend down that dreamy 
old forehead of yours. 



8 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

(Jasper permits a caress.) 

Jasper. Off again somewhere? 

Mildred. Freda's for a week-end. {Turns to 
Mrs. Delavan) Did you say the bead bag on the 
dresser, Mama? 

Mrs. Delavan. Yes, dear. 

Mildred. Well, good-bye. then. And I think 
I'll 'phone over to Slatterly's to save that blue gown 
for me in case some other girl tries to run off with 
it before I get there. {Exits skippingly c) 

Jasper. Bless her little butterfly heart! I love 
to see her happy. 

Mrs. Delavan. And so do I. {Sighs) Where 
have you been, Jasper? You look all tired out. 

Jasper. I've been pretty much all over the house. 
I thought I'd left these test-tubes in the store-room 
or library, {Displays test-tubes) and I upset every- 
thing only to find them at last in one of my rubbers 
in the hall closet. I remember now I placed them 
purposely in one of my rubbers in the hall closet 
so as not to forget just where they were. {Starts 
for door l.) 

Mrs. Delavan. Wait a minute, Daddy. 

Jasper. {Hesitates) What for, mother? 

Mrs. Delavan. I want you to drop your labora- 
tory work long enough to take a look at these books. 
{Indicates hooks, zvhich, with writing materials, 
are on table at r.) Things seemed so bright when 
I first took charge of the Tuxedobrook Club house, 
but here we are with our faces to the wall just the 
same as ever. I've just given my last penny to 
Mildred for a new party gown. I couldn't afford to 
do it, of course, but I thought it wouldn't make much 
difference in the general wreck of things and that it 
might be the last one I should ever have the pleasure 
of giving her. 

Jasper. Cheer up, mother ! We always get along 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 9 

somehow. It's a wonder that in cleaning out that 
closet some one did not step on these test-tubes 
and break them. 

Mrs. Delavan. Our output on pastries alone 
last month was a'most a complete loss, and other 
items to correspond, and the townspeople criticising 
me because the weeds are knee high on the Club 
House lawn. I've heard they think I should em- 
ploy a landscape gardener. How do they expect me 
to keep things from going to pieces with the mis- 
erable natronage they give me? It's a wonder the 
ground-squirrels don't run off with the place. For 
my part I wish they would. We can't hold out much 
lon^rer. 

Jasper. Perhaps we can't, my dear. I dare say 
you're ri.s^ht. But my gas-generating experiment 
won't wait. And since you made me this harness 
to protect the delicate membrane of my nose and 
throat — (Displays a cloth helmet zvhich is con- 
structed to cover the head completely and has glass- 
covered apertures for eyes) I can keep at my work 
as long as I like. 

Mrs. Delavan. I wish you'd go over these books. 
Facts are facts, Jasper. 

Jasper. But you know, mother, that scientific 
facts are the only kind I take an interest in. 

Mrs. Delavan. Jasper, there are some things 
you've got to know about sooner or later. 

Jasper. I dislike the things one has to know 
about sooner or later — they're invariably un- 
pleasant. 

Mrs. Delavan. Neither you nor Mildred seems 
to realize the seriousness of my problems at all. 

Jasper. Smile, smile, my dear! There's always 
a bright side if you only look for it. I'm glad I 
found those test-tubes. Imagine Ozonia, per- 
fected, suffusing the sleeping apartments of little 
children — ^Ozonia, as fresh and sweet as pine woods ! 



10 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Imagine the future man saved from the microbes 
that attack nose, lungs and throat, because in the 
tender years of his childhood he has been fortified 
against them! Health should be the child's normal 
condition just as the unmarried bud should precede 
the full-blown rose. I'm willing to give my years 
to working out Ozonia, because of my love for the 
little ones. (Puts on cloth helmet) 

Mrs. Delavan. But suppose you never get it 
worked out? 

Jasper. Then some other man building on my 
foundation must do so. Anyhow, it is the road 
marked out for me to follow. (Exits into labora- 
tory at L.) 

(Mrs. Delavan shakes head hopelessly, sits at 
table R. and begins to go over books. Enter 
Susan r.) 

Mrs. Delavan, {As Susan places tray with 
tea-things on table R.) Well, Susan, I hope the 
toast isn't burned again. It would be more than 
I could stand in my present frame of mind. 

Susan. {Mournfully, arranging cup and saucer) 
It does look sort of black-bordered, Ma'am. I was 
countin' the carriages in a passin' funeral proces- 
sion an* forgot to turn it. 

Mrs. Delavan. Well, it does seem to me that 
when all the breakfast I have is my eleven o'clock 
morsel of toast — {As Susan removes cover from 
toast) but it isn't so bad after all. 

Susan. It was one of the interestin* funerals 
I've seen since I came to this town to live. You 
don't want me to set them porch chairs out again 
to-day, do you? 

Mrs. Delavan. Why not? It has stopped 
raining. 

Susan. Yes'm, but it wasn't rainin' yesterday, 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE Tl 

yet no one came onto the porch for tea except two 
women that only ordered one cup between them an' 
then didn't leave no tip. 

Mrs. Delavan. (Sighs heavily) I suppose 
you're right, Susan. Why should I always be mak- 
ing preparations for a crowd that never comes? 

Susan. (Produces a slip of paper from her apron 
pocket) Here's the bill the ice-man left. He says 
he's goin' to lose his job for over-trusting folks if 
they don't pay up what's owin' pretty soon. 

Mrs. Delavan. (Makes a strong effort to cheer 
up) Oh, well! Maybe if the weather stays bright, 
business will improve. 

Susan. Yes'm. That's just what you said this 
time last month. 

Mrs. Delavan. (Loses her appetite and desists 
from eating toast after it reaches her mouth) This 
toast does taste rather burned after all. (Her 
nerves get the better of her) Susan, don't stand 
there with your toes turned in looking like a martyr 
tied to a stake. 

Susan. I didn't know I was standin' any way I 
hadn't ought to. 

Mrs. Delavan. Excuse me, Susan. I'm nervous, 
I confess, I'll ring when I want you. Take this 
gown up-stairs and hang it in my closet. 

Susan. (Picks up gozvn) Would you mind if I 
borrowed the mornin' paper? 

Mrs. Delavan. (Hands it to her) There it is. 

Susan. The obituaries is generally on page four. 

Mrs. Delavan. (Softening into sympathy) 
You're expecting bad news, Susan? Some of your 
friends ? 

Susan. No, 'tain't no one in particular, though 
you never can tell from one minute to the next what 
dreadful thing may be goin' to happen. That's why 
I believe in always readin' the obituaries to be pre- 
pared for the worst. There ain't nothin' like 



12 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

keepin' track of the different sad and solemn ways 
folks has of droppin' off. In last week's paper there 
was four hearts, two stomachs, one lung an' a cause 
unknown. 

(A postman's zvhistle sounds off l.) 

Mrs. Delavan. The postman, Susan. 
Susan. An' one inflammatory rheumatism just 
about your age. 

{Whistle sounds again.) 

Mrs. Delavan. (IVith finality) I said — the 
postman ! 

Susan. Yes'm, he's whistled twice. He was 
tellin' me yesterday when he handed in them bills 
for you that his youngest had the measles an' the 
oldest the mumps, but the poor man's got to whistle 
just the same. {Exits c. and^off l. She carries the 
gown and nezvs paper) 

Mrs. Delavan. {Rises and gathers up her books. 
Goes tozvard door l.) You'd better close your door, 
Jasper. The fumes of those chemicals are going 
all through the house. 

Jasper. {Stilll zvearing the head-covering, looks 
out at door l.) Wait until I've blended the warring 
gases, Ann. The result will be most pleasing to nos- 
trils and lungs alike. 

Mrs. Delavan. I hope so. But it's pretty dread- 
ful in the meantime, dear. Mercy do close that 
door! 

(Jasper closes door l. as Mrs. Delavan starts for 
door c. Susan enters zvith letter and pamphlet 
in her hands.) 

Susan. Letter for Miss Mildred, and a catalogue 
from the undertaker. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 13 

Mrs. Delavan. (With emphasis) You may 
keep the catalogue. 

Susan. Thank you, ma'am. /'// set it on my 
bureau. 

Mrs. Delavan. Take away the tray now, Susan, 
and then telephone that order to the butcher. 

Susan. (Without moving) Yes'm. 

Mrs. Delavan. I must finish mending those hall 
curtains before it's time for anyone to come. 

Susan. Yes'm. 

Mrs. Delavan. Are you waiting for something? 

Susan. Well, I thought I'd ought to tell you I'd 
been out by the geranium beds this mornin' and I 
think a blight must have struck 'em — they look so 
spindly. An' the swingin' glass sign down by the 
gate is broke so bad you can't read what it says, 
an' somebody's pulled all the roses off that big 
bush you liked so much an' there ain't one of 'em 
left. 

Mrs. Delavan. Susan, you should have been a 
writer of epitaphs. 

Susan. I have writ some gravestun poetry, if 
that's what you mean. 

Mrs. Delavan. (Hastily) Well, we won't go 
into the subject further. Don't forget to 'phone 
the butcher. 

Susan. (Beginning to clear off table r. as Mrs. 
Delavan exits c.) No'm. (Begins to sing ''In 
the Szveet Bye and Bye '' dolefully and with marked 
tremor. Picks up tray and exits r. still singing. 
After a short pause a hell rings off r. repeatedly. 
Enter Constance in smart motor attire, followed 
by Celeste and John. John and Celeste^ carry- 
ing wraps and satchels, remain on either side of en- 
trance c. while Constance comes down c. and looks 
about inqji iringly ) 

Constance. The front door wide open, and no 
one to answer the bell ! Perhaps the folks have 



14 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

gone on a vacation without taking the trouble to 
lock up beforehand. Perhaps that's the sort of in- 
nocuous place Tuxedobrook is. You needn't have 
brought all those things in from my car, John. I'm 
sure they'd have been perfectly safe there. 

Celeste. {Bored) What is there I shall do, 
Mademoiselle ? 

Constance. Do as I do : make yourself at home 
until something happens. It's bound to happen if 
one only waits long enough. (Seats herself) Upon 
my word this reminds me of the palace of the 
Sleeping Beauty, without the Beauty to make it in- 
teresting. Even the furniture looks as if it had 
sunk into a hundred year trance. (Joggles a chair) 
Here, wake up and be social ! (John and Celeste 
ya7vn, audibly) Mercy, I hope you two aren't fall- 
ing asleep along with the furniture. (Begins to 
yazvn herself) Now, it's even getting me ! How 
uncanny ! Oh, dear, I suppose I should have sent 
word I was coming as soon as I found myself in 
this neighborhood ! Sh ! I thought I heard a clock 
tick, quite humanly and as if it were wide awake. 
Did you hear a clock tick, John? 

John. Sorry, Miss Darcy, but I didn't. 

Celeste. No teeck, Mademoiselle — no teeck at 
all. 

Constance. (With disappointment) Oh, it 
was my wrist watch ! I forgot I was wearing it. 

Celeste. I hear not a teeck, but something 
gives me teeckle in my nose. (Wrinkles nose, then 
sneezes) I think it is a something that is dead — 
under the floor. (Sniffs disgustedly) Mon Dieu! 
Very dead ! 

Constance. You're right, Celeste, there does 
seem to be a — a — something! (Omnes sniff curi- 
ously) Perhaps that explains the mystery — per- 
haps gas is escaping from the kitchen range and 
the whole house is unconscious. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 15 

Celeste. I have a so great afraid, it make the 
goose feathers to come out all over me! 

Constance. Don't get nervous, Celeste. We 
must keep our heads. John, I think you'd better 
look up and down the hall. 

John. Yes, Miss Darcy. (Exits c. into hall and 
looks off R. and l.) 

Constance. (Indicating door R.) You might 
try that door, Celeste. 

Celeste. Qui, Mademoiselle, but I have an 
afraid ! 

John. There's no one in sight. (Re-enters c.) 

Celeste. (Peering off r. after opening door) 
I perceive — a beeg nothing! But now^ I go to the 
other door. (Rttns to door l. Opens it and 
screams) 

Jasper. (Puts head out a moment) What is it, 
mother? (Sees the guests) Excuse me. (Closes 
door) 

Celeste. (Wildly clutches John as he starts to 
investigate the apparition at door l. as Mrs. Dela- 
van enters c.) Save me — save me — a burglair — a 
burglair with mask — there ! (Points toward door l.) 

Mrs. Delavan. Oh, I suppose you caught sight 
of my scientist husband in his gas-mask ! Please 
don't be alarmed — he's really most harmless. 

Celeste. (Much relieved) If burglair is your 
husband — again do I return my breath to me. 

(Constance advances to speak with Mrs. Dela- 
van.) 

Constance. Please pardon our informality, 
Madam. My chauffeur rang the bell several times, 
but as there was no one to answer we took the lib- 
erty of walking in unannounced. 

Mrs. Delavan. (With formal politeness) Pa- 
trons generally walk right in. Would you prefer re- 



i6 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

freshments served here, or in the larger tea-room 
beyond? (Indicates room R.) 

Constance. (Starts back in surprise) Why, is 
this a public Inn? I was looking for number 33 
Archer Street. 

Mrs. Delavan. That is the address of the Tux- 
edobrook Club House in which you are now stand- 
ing. 

Constance. Then I beg pardon for my mis- 
take. I am Constance Darcy of Darcyville and I 
was looking for the residence of an old friend of 
mother's. She sent us a photograph of it last Win- 
ter when we were in California, and I was certain 
this was the house. It looked exactly like it. We're 
back in our Pocono cottage for the Summer, and 
as I was out in my touring car and found it possible 
to accept a long-standing invitation to visit mother's 
friend, I — (As Mrs. Delavan puts her hand to her 
head and staggers back) Why, what's the matter? 
Aren't you feeling well ? 

Mrs. Delavan. (Makes strong effort to recover 
her self-possession) A little dizziness, that's all. 
I didn't recognize you as Constance Darcy — na- 
turally — as I haven't seen you since you were a 
baby. 

Constance. (With girlish impetuosity) Oh, 
then are you Mrs. Delavan yourself? And do you 
remember how you used to be mother's dearest 
chum at school ? And how you asked her to teach 
me to always call you Aunt Ann? 

Mrs. Delavan. (Stiffly) Yes, I — do — remem- 
ber. 

Constance. (Chilled and hurt) Oh, I hope I 
am not de trop! Mother must have misunderstood. 
I — I had expected a very different sort of recep- 
tion somehow. I'm sorry to have taken up so much 
of your time. John, Celeste, we'll be going. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 17 

(John and Celeste pick up satchels and zvraps as 
Constance starts toward them.) 

Mrs. Delavan. (Convulsively) No! Wait a 
moment — p lease ! Under other circumstances I 
would have been so glad to welcome you, but — now 
I'm not free to offer you the courtesies my long 
friendship with your mother led you to expect. 
But you mustn't rush off without giving me a chance 
to explain. It is a humiliating confession, but 

Constance. (As Mrs. Delavan turns azvay with, 
bozved head) I'll stay for a little talk with you— 
gladly, John, you may run the car about town for 
a quarter of an hour or so and then return for me. 
Celeste, I will excuse you also. 

(John salutes and exits c.) 

Celeste. Oui, Mademoiselle, I think it to be 
very necessaire I make myself the so beautiful or- 
nament for the tonneau. (Exits c. and off l. after 
John) 

Mrs. Delavan. It was very considerate of you 
to send them away. It makes my task of explana- 
tion easier. 

Constance. I've drawn my own conclusions, 
Aunt Ann. Since writing that invitation to mother, 
you've lost your money somehow and been obliged 
to turn your home into a public Club House to make 
both ends meet. Isn't that it? And if that's the 
case I think it was very splendid and brave of you 
and nothing to feel humiliated over at all. And of 
course, under the circumstances, I don't expect 
you to have either time or room for visitors. 

Mrs. Delavan. (Determined not to spare her- 
self) I've never had time nor room for them, Con- 
stance, nor means to entertain them, and this Club 
House mansion was never my own home for an in- 
stant. 



i8 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Constance. {Puzzled) But that photograph 
you sent to mother — ? 

Mrs. Delavan. I said was my own home — I 
know, but it was an advertising picture of the Club 
House instead. I wanted your mother to think I 
was prosperous, and the Club House picture seemed 
to carry out that idea. All the years I've been writ- 
ing to Helen, I've tried to give her the impression 
that my marriage had turned out as successfully as 
her own. Your father has always piled up his dol- 
lars as easily as other men their pennies. I couldn't 
bear for Helen to guess what a struggle my husband 
was having for recognition, or to look upon him as a 
failure, for he isn't — he isn't — and some day he'll 
prove it to the world ! Even the invitation for you 
to visit me was worded to give the impression of 
prosperity. You were far away in California at 
the time, and scomehow I never thought my decep- 
tion might find me out. It serves me right and I 
am glad it has happened. Oh, I don't expect you 
to understand or forgive me, dear. Born with a 
golden spoon in your mouth, you could never be 
tempted to pretend you were other than you are. 

Constance. You're mistaken about that. Aunt 
Ann. I've been tempted to pretend to be other 
than I am more times than I could count, only I've 
never quite had the courage to put it through. I've 
had the feeling sometimes that my money was just 
a big barrier separating me from lots of people 
I'd like to know and love but who couldn't see me 
for looking at the barrier instead, and it's made me 
wish to pretend I hadn't a penny in the world, — a 
different sort of temptation from yours, but just as 
strong. I've felt so alone, so dreadfully alone! 
That pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is a much 
over-rated prize when it stands between you and 
the love of those who surround you. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 19 

Mrs. Delavan. I never thought of it in that 
way before ! 

Constance. The ' most precious thing in the 
world, Aunt Ann, is the real friendship of real 
people, and no one realizes that so much as a rich 
girl. And because mother looks upon your friend- 
ship as real, you would always be the same to her if 
you lived in a palace or a poorhouse. That's the 
kind of people we Darceys hope we are. To prove 
it, I want so much to stay with you a little while, 
just as mother expects me to. You can find a Cub- 
byhole for me somewhere in this big house I know. 
Mrs. Delavan. I — I haven't told you the whole 
truth yet. I expect any day to be forced out of the 
club-house, bag and baggage. I've tried in vain 
to win the patronage of the fashionable set here in 
Tuxedobrook, and I'm facing bankruptcy, hopeless 
and complete. 

Constance. Fine! What splendid news! 
Mrs. Delavan. (Shrinking) Splendid news? 
Why, child, what do you mean? 

Constance. I mean the chance to prove myself 
a Darcy and a real friend is right upon me. 
Mrs. Delavan. (Still in the dark) Chance? 
Constance. Yes. I'm a true daughter of my 
money-making Dad, and I believe I can scheme out 
something to make this place popular if you'll only 
let me stay awhile. 

Mrs. Delavan. But don't you see, dear, that you 
belong in quite another world than mine? You'd 
lose social prestige as the guest of the unsuccessful 
Delavans. 

Constance. (Snaps her fingers) That for so- 
cial prestige ! I've always found it weighed more 
than it was worth. And I wouldn't need to be 
known as Constance Darcy anyhow. I could choose 
nom de promoter. Aunt Ann, let me invest in 
you and the Club House. 



20 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Mrs. Delavan. No, no, I couldn't think of al- 
lowing my responsibilities to fall on your young 
shoulders ! 

Constance. Why not? To me it would be like 
taking part in some sort of fascinating game, and 
besides—it might console me for a big disappoint- 
ment I've just had in another direction. 
. Mrs. Delavan. Oh, a love affair? 

Constance. No, indeed, nothing so romantic. 
A detective affair — the thing that started me out 
on this trip in the first place and brought me finally 
into your neighborhood. A robbery occurred in 
Dad's office a while ago, and when we got back from 
California, Dad found the detectives had made just 
no progress at all. 

Mrs. Delavan. (Interested) Well? 
- Constance. Dad, like everyone else, has always 
sort of expected me just to sit back and watch the 
rest of the world do things, so just to get out of the 
nonentity class. for once, I began to investigate the 
case on my own account. 

Mrs. Delavan. And didn't your father object? 

Constance. Not in the least. Secretly I believe 
he wanted me to make good. And I thought I was 
going to do so at first. I struck a hot trail and fol- 
lowed a certain young man from Darcyville to 
Rosedale, and from Rosedale to Comport, and from 
there to Bridgeton — where the trail went cold. My 
suspect had disappeared as completely as if the 
earth had opened and swallowed him up. I suspect 
that he chose an alias and skipped for New York. 
Daddy has the laugh on me if I can't get no track 
of him again, and I really see no chance of it. 
I've failed, miserably failed ! So, for goodness' 
sake, at least let me undertake this Club House 
project. My pride demands I have one success to 
tell him about if I have to acknowledge failure in 
another direction. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 21 

Mrs. Delavan. (Weakening) Now, now, you 
just mustn't put it to me like that ! 

Constance. (Delightedly) Ha, that means 
you're going to give in to me ! Of course you are ! 
Everyone does, in time. You might as well show 
me that cubbyhole of a bedroom right now, for I'm 
going to unpack my belongings and stay. 

Susan. (Appears at c. from l.) Mrs. Dela- 
van, the ice man says he'd like to see you in person. 

Mrs. Delavan. (To Constance) There's one 
of my responsibilities now. Excuse me while I go 
to placate him. (Exits c. and off i..) 

Susan. Are you a visitin' Mrs. Delavan, or did 
you come for tea ? 

Constance. It's business with Mrs. Delavan. 

Susan. Business? That means coUectin', I 
suppose. An' if it does, you might as well go. If 
she can't settle with the iceman on his fourth visit, 
I don't see how she's goin' to settle with you. (Exits 
c. and off R.) 

Cruger. (Heard off l.) Thank you, Mrs. Dela- 
van, I'll find her. 

Constance. (Greatly surprised) Mr. Blain- 
wood of all people! 

Cruger. Miss Darcy, ditto ! I thought until tOr 
day you were still in California, but when your yel- 
low car flashed by mine half an hour ago, I said : 
*' That's Constance Darcy or I'm a liar." I was so 
rattled I kept on going, and when I turned I'd lost 
you. But I've been making a house to house can- 
yas ever since and finally ran across your chaufifeur 
and located you here. It seems wonderful to see 
you again, and within a couple of blocks of my 
own home ! Tuxedobrook is my native village, you 
know. 

Constance. I'd forgotten that. How awful! 

Cruger. What's awful? Tuxedobrook? 

Constance. I didn't mean that. 



22 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Cruger. Didn't you? Thanks. 

Constance. I meant meeting you. 

Cruger. Thank— er, no! Miss Darcy, how un- 
kind! 

Constance. I didn't mean that either. I meant 
awful to be discovered by anyone, even a friend, 
when one had just made up one's mind to disap- 
pear. 

Cruger. Disappear ? You ? 

Constance. Well, er---change my name, I mean. 

Cruger. (Wincing) Oh, get married? 

Constance. Goodness ! Can't a girl change her 
name without getting married ? 

Cruger. It isn't usually done, and you know 
you were engaged to a California mine-owner when 
we last met at that dance at Mt. Cedar Seminary. 

Constance. But I don't know anything of the 
kind. Papa is the only mine-owner with whom I'm 
acquainted, and I'm cetainly not engaged to him. 

Cruger. But Miss Harkness said distinctly that 
a mine-owner had captured you. That's why I had 
such a grouch when you told me good-bye. I had 
just heard the news. 

Constance. How much Belle Harkness must 
have liked you to invent all that ! 

Cruger. Well, let's dismiss her, along with her 
invention. I want to talk about you. May I ask 
how long you intend to illuminate Tuxedobrook 
with your shining presence ? 

Constance. I think I'd stay long enough to put 
through a business scheme I've thought out, if I 
could have the promise of adequate assistance. 

Cruger. I'd gladly start out now and turn 
handsprings all the way from here to the Court 
House to assist you in the least. 

Constance. That's very kind and athletic of 
you, but hardly practical. 

Cruger. Then command me. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 23 

Constance. Very well, I want you to cut my 
acquaintance. 

Cruger. (Protestingly) Miss Darcy! 

Constance. When there are others present, I 
mean. If I stay to carry out my plan, it must be 
incognito. You see I'm confiding in you, throwing 
myself upon your mercy, for if you don't agree to 
keep my secret, I may as well give it all up here and 
now. The initial step in the business proposition I 
have in mind is to completely conceal my identity. 

Cruger. (Dreamily, having become absorbed in 
looking at Constance rather than in listening to 
her) Your eyes are just as blue as ever, aren't 
they? 

Constance. What's that to do with business? 
What were we talking about anyhow? 

Cruger. Business. Initial step. Incognito. 
Eyes. 

Constance. (Practically) Well, we'll omit 
the eyes ! 

Cruger. I'd rather omit the other particulars. 

Constance. Seriously, have you time to answer 
a few practical questions? 

Cruger. I should say I had ! Nothing can unseat 
me but dynamite until you tell me it's time to go 
Oh, Miss Darcy, don't you remember that walk 
we had across the campus in the moonlight while 
the others were dancing in the Assembly Room? 

Constance. Indeed I do, and how a mosquito 
bit you on the nose in the midst of it. 

Cruger. Hang the mosquito ! 

Constance. We really shouldn't change the sub- 
ject too often, Mr. Blainwood, it's bad for concen- 
tration. Tell me — why doesn't Tuxedobrook so- 
ciety patronize Mrs. Delavan's Club House enough 
to make it pay? 

Cruger. I don't know all the reasons, but I can 
make a guess at some of them. To begin with, the 



24 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Club House was willed to the town by a stingy old 
miser purely to spite his relatives. He didn't leaver- 
enough for its upkeep and the town doesn't feel 
obliged to make up the deficiency, especially when 
there's nothing novel here to attract it. Mrs. Dela- 
van is considered a good sort enough, but under her 
management the Club House has the reputation of 
being a dead old hole, a grand old joke, and a pros- 
pective home for retired beetles and bats. I sol- 
emnly hold up my right hand and declare I'm ready 
for question two. 

Constance. Do you think the patronage of a 
social leader might cause the society butterflies to 
flutter through the Club House doors once more? 

Cruger. It would certainly attract their atten- 
tion, but who is going to ensnare the leader? 

Constance. You. I want you to bring your 
mother here for tea one day next week. 

Cruger. You really mean that? You aren't 
joking? 

Constance. I'm so serious I feel like a prayer- 
meeting. '' 

Cruger. What sort of an experiment are you up 
to anyhow? 

Constance. If I make good you'll know — and so 
will Aunt Ann, bless her heart ! Does your mother 
come ? 

Cruger. That's more difficult than handsprings, 
but I promise you she'll come if I have to drag her 
here by her respected and respectable heels. 

Constance. Thank you. (Gives him her hand} 
That's my beginning. 

Mrs. Delavan. (Enters c.) Sorry to have 
kept you waiting so long, but I was called to the 
telephone and couldn't help it. 

Cruger. I can't tell you, Mrs. Delavan, how 
much I've enjoyed renewing my acquaintance with 
Miss Darcy. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 25 

Constance. He's to be in our secret, Aunt Ann 
— a sort of fellow conspirator. I've made my de- 
cision, and the new firm is to begin operations at 
once. 

Mrs. Delavan. But, child, the idea is so un- 
usual, so bewildering! I really don't know what to 
say. 

(Celeste and John appear at c.) 

Celeste. Pardon, Mademoiselle, but we are two 
time everywhere, and I say to John we should re- 
turn. 

Constance. And you were quite right, for I 
have something to say to you both. John, I am 
about to take a vacation — a being-some-one-else and 
doing-something-else vacation, and you and Celeste 
are to take a similar one. 

John. (Salutes) Very well, Miss Darcy, but I 
should like to ask 

Constance. Please don't ask any questions yet, 
for I haven't thought out the vacation particulars 
at all. 

Cruger. I'm wondering. Miss Darcy, just what 
the duties of a fellow conspirator are. 

Constance. Well, his first duty is to employ 
his leisure moments by dropping in here frequently 
for tea. 

Cruger. {Gratified) I accept the nomination. 

Constance. {As she begins to talk the curtain 
starts to descend and she is still enthusiastically 
outlining her scheme when the curtain hides her 
from view) Aunt Ann, we must organize ourselves 
at once into a ways and means committee. You're 
the committee, and I'm the ways and means. We 
must decide on a campaign of publicity^ — see what 
we can do to attract the attention of Tuxedobrook 
in spite of itself. Oh, I've a dozen ideas already! 



26 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

In the first place we must consider the tea-room. 
You know the success of a debutante depends 
largely on the debutante herself. She must be im- 
media'tely attractive to the eye if she would conquer 

her little world, and 

Curtain. 



ACT II. 
Time: Ten days later. 

r 

Scene: The same room arranged less stiffly. 
There are three small tables — for two. There 
are cretonne cushions in the rest chairs. A 
pretty color-scheme is evident in cushions, 
candle-shades, flozver -holders or other decora- 
tions, and also is carried out in the zvaitress 
costume of Constance. The effect should he 
as bright and attractive as possible to afford a 
definite contrast to the former appearance of 
the room. 

Discovered: Mrs. Delavan and Susan. Susan's 
elaborate hat is on slightly awry. She lifts her 
gown awkzvardly out of her zvay when she 
ivalks, and carries an elaborate hand-bag 
awkwardly. 

Mrs. Delavan. Walk across the room, Susan. 
(Susan gloomily obeys) Well, I must congratu- 
late Miss Darcy! She has transformed you until 
you look quite like a woman of means. 

Susan. Maybe I do, but if them dressed-up so- 
ciety women feel as uncomfortable and hypocritical 
as I do, I'm sorry for 'em — that's all. But as long 
as I promised to set around at the tables pretendin' 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 27 

to be one of 'em to build up business, I'll stick to it 
for this one afternoon. 

Mrs. Delavan. But don't look so unhappy over 
it, Susan, or the other customers may conclude you 
find something wrong with our tea. 

Susan. I can't help it if they do. I made a bar- 
gain with Miss Darcy to change my clothes to suit 
her, but I didn't bargain to change my face and I 
ain't a goin' to try to. 

Celeste. (Enters at c.) Look upon me? Tres 
jolie, ne'est pas — tres elegante? Madam Delavan 
I turn me about for you to behold. 

Mrs. Delavan. You are very imposing indeed, 
Celeste. 

Celeste. My Mademoiselle she say to me : " You 
have the big imagination, Celeste. With the big 
imagination make yourself the rich Madam Royer. 
You come for the cup of tea. Also you come to give 
pastry order for the grande dinner at your country 
home." So I place me in the frou frou gown 
Mademoiselle she give me to be rich Madam Royer, 
and I carry the parasol de Paris, and I wear the 
hat — ah, so divine ! I think if Monsieur Royer he 
could see me — I make him adjust the eye-glass and 
press his hand to heart. How you like me en prom- 
enade, Susanne? 

Susan. I'm sorry to say you look like Jezebel 
to me. 

Celeste. With the lady I am not acquaint, but I 
hope she is beautiful. But, Madam Delavan, there 
is one circumstance for which I have very much the 
regret. 

Mrs. Delavan. And what is that? 

Celeste. That my husband — Monsieur Royer — 
is only a ghost man. I wish him to be alive, with a 
pocketbook that is also alive. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Susan. You'll pardon me, but I don't think it's 



28 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

respectful to laugh like that when you're speakin' 
of the dead. 

Celeste. Oh, now — but I would not say exactly 
he is dead ! 

Susan. He ain't alive and walkin' around, is 
he? 

Celeste. Not to say to walk around, but 

Susan. (Interntpting her) Well, if he ain't 
a!ive, he's dead, and that settles it. And if you 
enjoy struttin' back and forth in frills and furbe- 
lows that don't belong to you, I don't. My con- 
science is a prickin' me every minute for puttin' 
on sech airs. I feel like a lamb in wolf's clothing. 

Celeste. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Susan. What are you laughin' at — ^me? 

Celeste. Me, I no laugh — at the leetle lamb in 
the costume a la wolf — I laugh — I laugh — because 
I have the ache in the tooth! Ha," ha, ha! 

Constance. {Heard outside ) Susan! Celeste! 
{Appears in door c, and zvears idealised zvaitress 
outfit) Oh, there you are, ready and waiting! Fine I 

Celeste. {Drops cnrtsy) Oni, Mademoiselle. 

Constance. But Madam Royer must not curtsy 
to a waitress, nor address her as Mademoiselle. 
Both you and Susan must remember that I am plain 
Nora O'Brien until further notice. 

Mrs. Delavan. My dear, you're adorable — wort> 
going miles to look at! 

Constance. I hope our customers will think so. 
[Spreads out her apron proudly) I designed me all 
myself 

Su ;an. It's queer goin's on an' I've a good 
nii?id to back out. I feel like a wicked daughter of 
Babylon. {To Constance) Of course I know you 
promised to present me with a new black dress suit- 
able for wearin' at funerals for doin' it, but 

Constance. And it's to be black silk, Susan- 
think of that, and you're to pick it out yourself. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 29 

But, dear me, I mustn't be calling you Susan. Let 
me see! I think you are Miss Knox, a character 
actress motoring through Tuxedobrook and stop- 
ping off for tea. 

Celeste. Actress! The divine Susanne! Ha, 
ha, ha ! 

Susan. Actress? Me? Why, I never set foot 
in a theayter in my life, and am intendin' to have it 
put on my tombstone that I didn't. I've got it all 
wrote out. " Here lies the body of Susan Jane 
Slater, who was never inside of a wicked theayter." 
I'm willin' to set down an' drink tea like I promised, 
Miss, but if you expect me to cut any didos like 
them show actresses do — a kickin' up my heels and 
losin' my standin' in the church, black silk or no 
black silk, I ain't a goin' to do it. 

Constance. (Soothingly) Not for the world 
would I have you kick up your heels and lose your 
standing, Susan. Besides you couldn't in that skirt 
— it's too tight. 

Celeste. Ah, before me I behold her — the cele- 
brate Mademoiselle the Knox ! Ah, I weep that at 
last has arrive this most great magneeficent occa- 
sion! (Makes deep curtsy to Susan) Ha, ha, ha! 

Susan. (Sourly) You'd better have that achin' 
tooth pulled or your face might stay that way for 
life. 

Constance. Now, Miss Knox, you would bet- 
ter sit at this table. (Indicates small table at r.) 
And you, Madame Royer, may take the one opposite. 
(Celeste and Susan scat themselves as indicated) 

If a customer comes in, remember you are just 
finishing your tea, and that after a second or two, 
you rise and walk out. That veil a little more over 
your face. Miss Knox — I want a sort of awning 
effect to disguise you. (Susan pulls veil forward) 
There, that's better ! Please remember, both of you, 
that you are to be seen rather than heard. 



so MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Susan. If it wasn't for flyin' in the face of that 
black silk dress— (Sighs heavily) 

Constance. Pour yourselves some tea. It's all 
ready and waiting for you. And I want you to get 
over the novelty of the situation before it's time for 
anyone to arrive. (The honk of an auto is heard 
off L.) I wonder if that means patrons already! 
Mercy, my heart's right in my throat, Aunt Ann! 
I hope I won't feel so wobbly or I'll spill the tea 
clown someone's back. My knees are actually inter- 
fering with each other. It's not a nice way for them 
to behave at all. Why don't they come if they're 
coming? (Exits into hall and is seen looking off 
toivard l. Re-enters poutingly) It's Cruger Blain- 
wood and his mother, and he isn't dragging her by 
the heels either ! 

Mrs. Delavan. Shall I stay or go? 

Constance. Go, by all means. I'm cool as a 
cucumber now. (Mrs. Delavan exits door r.) 
Now don't be surprised. Madam Royer — Miss 
Knox — at anything I may say to you, for I haven't 
the least idea where my brogue's going to carry me 
when once I begin it. (Cruger and Mrs. Blatn- 
wooD appear at c. from l., Constance, with her 
back turned, bending over Celeste, is apparently un- 
aware of their presence. Constance drops into a 
touch of brogue) I'll give Mrs. Delavan your 
dinner-party order with pleasure, Madam Royer. 
You want five dozen of them little pistache cakes, 
and the same number of cocoanut, and four dozen 
fancy assorted. One large chocolate — layer and — 
(Turns and gives exclamation of assumed surprise 
as she sees Cruger and Mrs. Blainwood) May I 
have the great pleasure to show you to a table? 

Cruger. (With great cordiality) Yes, indeed, 
Miss D— D 

Constance. (Hastily, her brogue deepening) 
Nora O'Brien. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 31 

Cruger. {As if suddenly remembering) Oh, 
Nora ! 

Constance. No, not O'Nora. O'Brien, asking 
vour pardon. O'Brien, with Nora walking by her- 
self in front of it. {Conducts Cruger and Mrs. 
Blainwood to third small table near c.) 

Mrs. Blainwood. {Puts \ip lorgnette and looks 
at Celeste and Susan, zvlio, busy zvith their tea, 
are apparently unconscious of her presence) Flow- 
ers ! Candle-shades ! A striving for artistic effect ! 
Quite a transformation ! Do you mean to tell me, 
er — er Nora, ihat Mrs. Delavan is still in charge 
here ? 

Constance. Well, she was five minutes ago whin 
I last laid eyes on her. Be sated, plaze, and I'll be 
with you as soon as I've finished with a dinner- 
party order for pastries. {Returns to Celeste) 

Mrs. Blainwood. {To Cruger, lozvering her 
voice confidentially) Dinner-party customers! 
Dainty service ! An air of prosperity 1 When every- 
one has been saying Ann Delavan had made a com- 
plete botch of running the Club House ! 

Cruger. {Highly pleased) Didn't I tell you 
you'd be surprised? 

Constance. {To Celeste) And will you plaze 
see that I didn't lave out anything before I pass 
your dinner-party order on to Mrs. Delavan? {Puts 
a card before Celeste which Celeste makes a pre- 
tense of reading) 

Mrs. Blainwood. (Picks up menu-card from 
table) And what an artistic menu-card! Such a 
surprising and complete change of atmosphere! I 
understand now, Cruger, why you have formed the 
habit of dropping in here occasionally. 
Cruger. Yes, isn't she wonderful • 
Mrs. Blainwood. {Bewildered by his reply) 
She? 



32 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Cruger. (Holds up a menu-card) It, I mean— 
eterything. 

Constance. And may I ask did I get the order 
right, Madam Royer? 

Celeste. (Hands card back to Constance zvith 
air of condescending affluence) It is extr-r-remely 
correct. 

(Mrs. Blainwood turns to look at Celeste through 
lorgnette.) 

Constance. (With nervous haste) Then say 
not another word about it, Madam Royer, for I 
know you're in a great hurry, and here's your para- 
sol, and Mrs. Delavan will be sure to sind thim to 
your country place in time, and good afternoon to 
yez. 

(Celeste rises, shakes out her draperies, accepts 
parasol from Constance, and departs zvith an 
air of languid magnificence through door c. As 
soon as Celeste is out of sight Susan rises.) 

Susan. I can't stand it. My conscience is hurtin' 
me an' 

Constance. (Bounds to side of Susan and turns 
her about, dragging her politely but firmly to door 
c. as she talks) You mane your rheumatism is 
hurting you in your lame knee. Miss Knox, and no 
wonder with the weather we've been having, and 
remember the black silk that will take it away if you 
don't take away the black silk before it has a chance, 
and I hope you'll come again, and I'll help you to 
the door. Miss Knox. (Exits c. with Susan, still 
talking) 

Mrs. Blainwood. What an eccentric person, 
that Miss Knox ! It seems to me I've seen her some- 
where — perhaps at the horse-show. But I can't 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 35 

imagine who that Madam Royer is — perhaps one of 
that exclusive French family of Brentwood Royers 
who spend most of their time abroad. 

Constance. (Enters at c.) I beg pardon for 
walking away from you, but whin an actress has 
the rheumatism 

Mrs. Blainwood. (In surprise) Do you mean 
to tell me she is an actress? 

Cruger. Does character-parts mostly — -servants, 
eh, Nora? 

Constance. (With pretended surprise) And 
did you niver hear of Miss Knox the actress? Why, 
she's acting right now ivery minute ! And wouldn't 
she make you laugh with the solemn face of her? 

Mrs. Blainwood. I imagined, Cruger, that she 
might be the eccentric spinster sister of Mr. August 
Knox of the Knox Estates. 

Constance. Now why didn't I know about that 
Knox before? 

Mrs. Blainwood. Know about what? 

Constance. Sure me tongue runs away with me 
whin it shouldn't. Is it English breakfast, or 
Orange Pekoe, or would it perhaps be chocolate ? 
(Uneasily to Cruger who has risen) Plaze don't 
stand up. I don't require it. 

Mrs. Blainwood. (Eyes Constance rather 
sharply) Require it? Well, I should hope not. 

Cruger. (Confused) Er — er — can't a fellow 
stand if he wants to, Mater? 

Mrs. Blainwood. Not if he's supposed to be 
having tea with me. (Cruger sits. Surreptitiously 
tries to squeeze Constance's hand, but she eludes 
him) 

Cruger. Do you know, Mater, that Nora re- 
minds me quite a little of a society girl I once met 
out West? 

Mrs. Blainwood. Cruger, please don't make in- 
sane and misleading remarks. (As she consults 



34 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

menu-card, Cruger again tries vainly to catch at 
Constance's hand) 

Constance. {Sweetly to Mrs. Blainwood) 
Would you prefer toasted muffins or tea-cakes? 

Mrs. Blainwood. Cruger, what would you like? 

Cruger. (His ardent eyes on Nora) I could 
eat everything in sight. 

Mrs. Blainwood. I think we'll have English 
breakfast and — (With a sudden disturbing recol- 
lection) Oh, no we won't either! 

Cruger. What's the matter? 

Mrs. Blainwood. I've just remembered my ap- 
pointment to meet the Committee of Arrangements 
for the Charity Bazaar, at Mrs. Baskam's ! And 
it had gone completely out of my head. How this 
absent-mindedness grows on one when once it gets 
a hold ! Sorry, Nora, to have troubled you for 
nothing, but we can't remain for tea after all, we 
really can't. I shall be late as it is. 

Cruger. (Apologetically to Nora) Of course 
you've heard, Nora, that there is to be a Charity 
Bazaar? (He rises as Mrs. Blainwood does^ 

Constance. Sure I have, and what better place 
could there be to hold it in than the Club House 
ball-room? 

Mrs. Blainwood. (Kindly) Well, my good 
girl, you certainly have Mrs. Delevan's interests at 
heart — something very unusual in an employee these 
days. 

Cruger. But, you see, Nora isn't just a mere 
employee 

Constance. (Warningly) Ahem! 

Cruger. (Takes hint) She's a sort of general 
factotum. 

Constance. (With a smile) "Factotum!" 
Sure that's the very word that fits me, for I do a 
little of this, a snack of that, and a smithereen of 
the other, and I open me mouth and say things 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 35 

whin I think they need the saying, and I say now 
there couldn't be a betther place for a Charity 
Bazaar than Mrs. Delavan's ball-room. 

Mrs. Blainwood. I like your spirit, Nora, but 
your little speech is all in vain. The only way our 
ladies could be induced to hold the Bazaar here in- 
stead of in Lyceum Hall, our usual place, would be 
to remove Lyceum Hall. We have the Lyceum Hall 
habit, you see. Cruger, let's be off. 

Cruger. But it's a shame to cheat me out of my 
tea! 

Mrs. Blainwood. You offered to run my car for 
me, you know, while Briggs was having his vaca- 
tion. And I'll promise to come here again with you 
before the week is out. (As she turns away, Cruger 
and Constance clasp hands delightedly a momeni 
behind her back) Oh, I don't know what Mrs 
Daskam will think of me! (Exits c.) 

Constance. (Drops brogue as she addresses 
Cruger) Thank you for bringing her! 

Cruger. Did you hear her promise to come 
again? That's a lot for the Mater to say. But, by 
Jove, I'm afraid some one will run off with you in 
the meantime, though, in that little cap and apron. 

Mrs. Blainwood. (From outside) Cruger. 

Cruger. (Anszvers) Coming! 

Constance. Quick ! Or she may think you're 
running off with me yourself. 

Cruger. I wish I were, little Nora! (Kisses 
her hand) 

Constance. (Elbows akimbo, and with accentu- 
ated brogue and manner) Go long wid you! (Exit 
Cruger c.) 

(Constance looks after Cruger a moment. Looks 
about to see that she is unobserved and drops a 
kiss on the hand Cruger kissed at leaving. She 



36 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

gives a happy little sigh, then begins to gather 
up the tea things from small table at r.) 

Mildred. {Heard outside) Mama! Mama! 
(Appears at c.) Was that actually Mrs. Biainwood? 
(Entering room stops and looks around in be- 
wilderment) Why, is this our Uttle old tea-room, 
or am I dreaming? You — you're not employed 
here, are you? 

Constance. I was niver more employed in me 
life, Miss. 

Mildred. Well, you see I've been on a vacation 
in Bridgeton and — er — Where's Mrs. Delavan? 

Constance. (Presents small tray) I think she's 
at home. 

Mildred. (Laughs amusedly) Well, you needn't 
bother taking her my card ! Tell me — how long 
have you been staying here? 

Constance. I'm staying here ten days come next 
Thursday, and if you call me by the name of Nora 
O'Brien, I'll answer. 

Mildred. Why, you must have arrived the very 
day I started for Bridgeton to visit Freda Mason ! 

Constance. (Demurely) Yes, Miss, I do be 
thinking it was that same day. 

Mildred. (Surprised) You know, then, who I 
am? 

Constance. Many a time it is I've heard the 
mintion of Miss Mildred Delavan's name. 

Mildred. Well, where on earth did Mama ever 
pick you up, anyhow? You're the cutest looking 
thing I ever saw — just as if you'd been designed 
for Vanity Fair. 

Constance. (Curtsies) Thank you for the 
compliment, Miss, but me looking glass tells me the 
same ivery time I stop to gaze in it. 

Mildred. Now, now, you mustn't get your head 
turned, or that will spoil you! You should never 
presume, Nora, because people speak a few kind 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 37 

words to you. If you've come here to work, I trust 
you'll always remember to keep your place. 

Constance. I trust I may, Miss, but I'm that ab- 
sent-minded I'm afraid some day I'll forget me 
place, and even me name if some one was to ask 
it sudden like. 

Mildred. {Encouragingly) No, no! You look 
as if you had more intelligence than that. 

Constance. But you can't always tell just what 
people are by looking at thim. Miss. 

Mrs. Delavan. (Enters door r. Sees Mildred 
and cries out in surprised delight) Daughter! 
(Embraces Mildred) 

Constance. Faith, Mrs. Delavan, now your 
daughter has got here, I'll show Miss Knox and 
Madam Royer onto the piazza for a cup of tea — for 
I do be thinking they'll make a very good showing 
from the road. 

Mrs. Delavan. A splendid idea, Nora! (Con- 
stance removes used cups and saucer from tables 
and exits c. and off l. as conversation begins be- 
tween Mildred and Mrs. Delavan) Mildred, I've 
been so worried about you ! 

Mildred. Now, Mama, if you scold just because 
I stayed on at Freda's and didn't come home when 
the week-end party was over, you'll hurt my feel- 
ings. For look at all that has been going on here 
and never a letter to tell me anything about it ! Why, 
when I reached the gate and saw the lawn as smooth 
as velvet, and a gardener putting in new flower- 
beds, I thought I must have made a mistake in the 
place. And inside the house, too, everything is dif- 
ferent. How has it all happened? Why, you acted 
as if we might be bankrupt just before I left home! 

Mrs. Delavan. And so we were, if a little fairy 
godmother had not appeared to wave a magic wand 
over my head. 



38 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Mildred. I suppose you mean by that, Mama, 
someone has backed you financially ? 

Mrs. Delavan. Yes, and in such a tactful way 
that it has not only enabled me to keep my self-re- 
spect, but has given me a courage I never had before. 

Mildred. Was it somebody awfully rich — like 
Mrs. Blainwood? 

Mrs. Delavan. I can't tell you her name until 
she says I may, Mildred, or I should be breaking 
my word to her — but it wasn't Mrs. Blainwood. 

Mildred. And she is responsible for all the im- 
provements about the place, including Nora? 

Mrs. Delavan. (Nods) Including Nora. 

Mildred. What a stylish little thing Nora is ! 
With Susan clumping about, I've always felt 
ashamed to have Mr. Hastings call here, but now — 
Oh, I do hope he'll drop in sometime to-day as he 
said he might. Where's Daddy ? 

(Hastings appears at c. Sets satchel down by 
door.) 

Mrs. Delavan. He's gone to New York in 
search of some special chemicals. At least he said 
chat was the reason — perhaps all the confusion here 
had something to do with it — {She stops, hearing a 
surprised exclamation from Mildred who has just 
caught sight of Hastings) 

Mildred. Oh, Mr. Hastings! When did you 
come in? 

Hastings. Just this instant. {Advances, Mil- 
dred gives him her hand) 

Mildred. Mr. Hastings, meet Mama. 

Mrs. Delavan. {Rather distantly, as she gives 
him the tips of her fingers) I've heard Mildred 
mention you. 

Hastings. Delighted, Mrs. Delavan. 

Mrs. Delavan. Won't you sit down? 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 39 

(All sit in rest-chairs.) 

Mildred. (Fools zvith her hat, zvhich she has 
removed, smoothes her hair, and shozvs general 
flustration and delight that Hastings has come) 
This is quite a surprise, Mr. Hastings. I thought 
you were over at the Blainwoods' playing tennis. 

Hastings. They aren't to begin until late, so I 
thought I'd give myself the pleasure of dropping 
in here a few minutes in the meantime. 

Mildred. (Gushingly) Oh, that was awfully 
nice of you, and I'm so glad you did, Mr. Hastings ! 
Mama, Mr. Hastings' car is wonderful, and he 
drives it beautifully ! He brought Mrs. Landers 
and me over from Freda's though I haven't had 
time to tell you so until this minute. 

Mrs. Delavan. Indeed? That was very kind. 

Hastings. No, a great pleasure. 

Mildred. And he's been so lovely to Freda and 
me all this past week, Mama! 

Mrs. Delavan. (Rather pointedly) So you're 
playing tennis at the Blainwoods' to-day, are you, 
Mr. Hastings? Miss Blainwood is quite a skillful 
player, I've heard. 

Hastings. Er — yes, I believe she is in the 
amateur champion class and 

Mildred. (Cuts in, showing plain desire to 
change the subject) Oh, whose satchel is that by 
the door? Someone must have left it here by mis- 
take ! 

Hastings. No, not by mistake, Miss Delavan! 
Don't you remember the satchel 1 threw into the 
car just as we started? That's the one. I suppose 
it may seem a trifle absurd, but I have the habit of 
lugging it around with me everywhere. The con- 
tents aren't worth a dollar in actual value, but they 
have a sentimental interest for me — relics of my col- 
lege days in Ann Arbor, essays, papers, books — all 



40 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

that sort of thing. By the way, Mrs. Delavan, it 
has just occurred to me that you might be able to 
tell me of some good place where I could store it 
and know positively it would be safe. I — I find it 
is rather in my way at times. 

Mrs. Delavan. I'm sorry, Mr. Hastings, but 
I'm afraid Tuxedobrook doesn't contain such a 
thing as a storage-house. 

Hastings. Well, er — it needn't be a storage- 
house, exactly. 

Mildred. {Eagerly) Then why not leave it 
here with us, Mr. Hastings ? We've oceans of room, 
haven't we, Mama? And he could leave it here as 
long as he liked, couldn't he. Mama? 

Mrs. Delavan. But if something should hap- 
pen to it while in our care, Mildred? 

Hastings. I'll take a chance on that. I'd feel 
much safer to leave it here than in a storage-house. 

Mildred. (Coaxingly) Now please say "yes," 
Mama. I promise you, if you will, to take all the 
responsibility of looking after it myself. I know 
just where to put it so Mr. Hastings can get it at a 
moment's notice, and where nobody else can pos- 
sibly interfere with it. 

Hastings. There, Mrs. Delavan — aren't her 
arguments unanswerable? (He laughs engagingly) 

Mrs. Delavan. (Yields) She usually gets her 
own way somehow. 

Hastings. I thank you. 

Mildred. Then I'm the sole guardian of those 
mighty Ann Arbor essays and things. My, but I 
feel important ! 

Mrs. Delavan. (Laughs indulgently) It's 
about the first responsibility she ever assumed in 
her life, Mr. Hastings. Her father and I still 
make a great baby of her. (Constance appears 
at c. zvith John zvho has on the blue overalls of a 
gardener and carries a huge pair of clipping shears 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 41 

in Ji:s hand. Constance carries iray zvith tea, etc.) 
What is it, Nora? 

Constance. The new gardener, Ma'am. He 
wants to show you the new dahHa beds along the 
roadway. 

John. And I'm working out an automobile de- 
sign in hen-and-chickens I'd like to ask you about. 

Mrs. Delavan. I'm delighted with everything 
you've dor.e, John. You'll excuse me, Mr. Hast- 
ings ? 

Hastings. (Rises as Mrs. Delavan does) 
Certainly. 

(Mrs. Delavan exits off l. from c. John foil ozvs 
Mrs. Delavan.) 

Constance. (Advances zvith tray) I thought 
maybe you'd like some tea. 

Mildred. I was just going to ring for you, 
Nora. You've time for tea before tennis, haven't 
you, Mr. Hastings? 

Hastings. It's a great temptation for me to tell 
myself I have. 

Mildred. (Lovely! (Moves to table zvhere 
Cruger and Mrs. Blainwood had sat previously. 
Constance arranges tea-service quickly as Hast- 
ings and Mildred take seats) Anyhow, I like to 
keep you away from that particular game of tennis 
as long as I can — you know why. 

Hastings. Flatterer! As if it made any differ- 
ence to you ! 

Mildred. Do you realize that this is the first 
time we ever sat together at a table without Freda 
or some of the rest hovering around to hear every 
word we said? 

Hastings. (Absently, his eyes on Constance) 
I should say so ! 

Mildred. (Pouring tea) Do you like it strong, 
Mr. Hastings? 



42 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Hastings. (Still thinking only of Constance) 
Tremendously. (Hastily corrects himself as Mil-' 
DRED looks at him in surprise) That is, no — weak, 
very weak. 

Mildred. (Takes lump of sugar in tongs) 
Sweet ? 

Hastings. Very. One lump, please. 
Constance. (Picks up small vase from table) 
This posy is so tired it hangs down its head. I'll 
bring a fresh one from the garden. (Starts zvith 
vase toward door c.) 
Mildred. Nora. 

Constance. (Turning back) Or maybe two? 
Mildred. I didn' mean that. I want you to take 
Mr. Hastings' satchel and set it in the laboratory 
on top of the Japanese chest. It will be safe there 
for the present. 

Constance. You want me to set it in there? 
Mildred. I do. 

Constance. (With a saucy toss of her head) 
Sure I'd like to be obliging, but it ain't me place to* 
transport the gintleman's baggage whin he's sitting 
round and able to do it for himsilf. 

Mildred. Nora, I did not expect impertinence 
from you. I'm surprised ! 

Constance. (After a marked start at sight of 
satchel) Oh, is that the satchel you meant? 

Mildred. (Coldly) Naturally, since it's the 
only one in the room. 

Constance. Thin I'm sorry I didn't keep a civil 
tongue in me head, for now that I see it closer, I 
feel like saying howdy do to it. 

Hastings. Ha, ha, ha ! Well, you certainly are 
a character, Nora! Why do you feel like saying 
howdy do to it, I wonder ? 

Constance. Because I've seen it before. 
Hastings. Nonsense, it's a weather-beaten old 
article that's been in my family always. I can't 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 43 

imagine what makes you think you've seen it before. 
{Sips tea) Can you? 

Constance. Faith and I can. It has a piece 
knocked off a corner like one me father used to 
own. (Feels of satchel) It's rale leather, though, 
instead of rale imitation, isn't it? 

Hastings. (Laughs) Well, I should hope so! 
Constance. But wid only a squint of the eye, 
at one glance how should a poor girl like me know 
the difference? Wasn't I the foolish one to think 
me old father had iver sported anything as ilegant 
as that? But it's the twin of it just the same! 
(Again feels of bag) 

Mildred. That will do, Nora. We don't care to 
hear any more about the resemblance now. I'll set 
the satchel away myself after I get the key to the 
chest. 

Constance. That's as you say. Miss Mildred, but 
all of a suddent I've such a neighborly feeling for 
it I'm willing to put it anywhere you say. 

Mildred. It's too late for politeness now. But 
I hope you've learned a lesson, and that is to think 
twice before you speak once. 

Constance. Indeed, Miss, and I have learned a 
lesson. Next time I'll look twice at a satchel before 
I refuse to carry it once. (Picks up vase again and 
carries it from the room c. and off l.) 

Hastings. The little greenhorn makes herself 
very much at home, doesn't she ? 

Mildred. I should say so. She must be taught 
to know her place and keep it. Mama picked her 
up from heaven only knows where. 

Hastings. Not that I minded her palaver. It 
rather amused me. Don't spoil that pretty forehead 
with a frown. Do you know you're looking uncom- 
monly well this afternoon? 

Mildred. (Delighted at his praise) No. Am 



44 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

I ? And I thought I was all blowsy from that high 
wind as we drove over. 

Hastings. {Reaches across table and takes her 
hand) Hard luck, little girl, that I didn't meet you 
before I met— (Checks himself as by an effort) 
But there — what's the use of regrets when a fel- 
low's got himself in for something he can't get out 
of with honor? 

Mildred. {Very senfinicntaUy) I'm sorry if 
you're unhappy. 

Hastings. Are you sorry, Mildred? Are you? 
{Gradually drazvs her closer until finally he kisses 
her) 

Mildred. {Rises and starts azvay from him) 
Oh, you shouldn't have kissed me ! What would 
Fay think if she knew? 

Hastings. Don't remind me of her. When I've 
been robbed of so much happiness in meeting you 
too late — why should you begrudge me just a little 



now 



Mildred. I never realized you cared for me so 
much. 

Hastings. But now that you do realize it, 
sweetheart, you've got to be kind to me. I'm plan- 
ning for us to steal off in my car for some wonder- 
ful days together no one will know about but you 
and me, and — (Constance enters at c. from l. 
carrying fresh rose in vase) er — as I was saying, 
it's about time I got over to that tennis court. 

Mildred. {Aware of Constance, assumes formal 
tone also) Yes, I presume it is. (Rather impa- 
tiently) Well, Nora? 

Constance. This posy — it smiled so sweet at 
me I hated to break it from the mother bush. 

Mildred. You needn't have bothered about the 
rose. We've finished tea. 

Constance. Then I'm sorry I took it from its 
little brothers and sisters. (Turns and stumbles 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 45 

over satchel as if by accident) Excuse me for step- 
pin' on you ! To make up for it, I'll knock the dust 
off your face. It's thick wid it. I hate the sight of 
dust. (Dusts satchel zvith a handkerchief she pulls 
from apron pocket) Wasn't I the greenhorn to 
think my father iver stowed away his overalls and 
brogans in anything as styHsh as you are? 

Mildred. (Lozvers voice and speaks to Hast- 
ings) Are we to have another overflow of words, 
I wonder? 

Constance. {Lifts rose from vase) Since you're 
not wanted here, little rose, I'll take you along wid 
me. 

Hastings. You may give it to me for a bouton- 
niere if you like. 

Constance. May I now? {He comes close, pre- 
pared to have her pin on the rose) Thank you, but 
I think it becomes me own complexion better. 
{Sticks rose in her bosom. She exits at door r.) 

Hastings. Do you know, I rather like her. She's 
as saucy as they make them. And she looks decid- 
edly above her class to me. 

Mildred. Think so? It strikes me that the nose 
is very plebian, indeed. 

Hastings. {Conciliatingly) Perhaps you're 
right about that. {Picks up hat) 

Mildred. Must you go? 

Hastings. Yes, but not from choice. I wish I 
could be with you forever. 

Mildred. {Inwardly delighted) You mustn't 
say such things. 

Hastings. Walk with me as far as the gate. 

Mildred. How nice of you to want me to! 

{They walk tozvard door c.) 

Hastings. That satchel must be put in a safe 
p'ace and under lock and key. You understand that, 
don't you, Mildred? 



46 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Mildred. Of course, and I'll attend to locking 
it away myself. 

Hastings. You won't let it set around here 
very long, will you, to have people speculating on 
what may be inside of it? 

Mildred. The minute I come in again I'll see 
to it. 

Hastings. That's the girl ! I think the world of 
all that old college junk. {They exit together c, 
and off L.) 

(Constance opens door at r., cautiously — peeps in, 
then enters.) 

Constance. Come along, Celeste. {Enter 
Celeste r. Constance indicates satchel) There 
it is. Take a good look at it while you have the 
chance. (Celeste sets hag on a chair and begins 
to examine it) Am I right? Isn't it that damaged 
one of mine i turned over to Daddy for use at the 
office? 

Celeste. It has on the outside the familiar look. 
On the inside, how can I go to say until I see it 
open ? 

Constance. You remember my reason for dis- 
carding it, don't you ? 

Celeste. Oui, Mademoiselle. It was made sick 
by the man that throw so angry the baggage. 
{Quickly examines bag again, and finds the broken 
corner) The same damage in the same place ! Qui, 
Mademoiselle, it is the bag that did belong to you — 
the same. Now, I could swear it is the same. 

Constance. Oh, if I only had X-Ray eyes for 
one little minute! For of course it's possible for 
two satchels of the same size and make, to have the 
same corner broken and in the same way. And it 
doesn't seem natural for such an extraordinary 
discovery to be made as simply as this. Perhaps 
I'm wronging someone terribly to even suppose such 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 47 

a thing. But if I find out that it is the same satchel, 
Celeste — I've more important business in Tuxedo- 
brook than ever I supposed I had. Not a word of 
this to Miss Delavan or anyone! You are free to 
ornament the piazza again. 

Celeste. (Arranges hat and draperies) Where 
now she sit there alone — that so sad and funny, 
Susanne the Knox. But it is to me the great 
pleasure to sit at table and be the grande dame — 
when I turn my head and look the other way from 
her. (Celeste exits door r.) 

(Constance makes an attempt to open the 
satchel, but perceives that it is locked; lifts it 
to test its weight, Mildred enters c, and 
catches her with the bag in her hand.) 

Mildred. Well, Nora, and what are you doing 
with Mr. Hastings' satchel ? 

Constance. I want to be respictful and obliging 
and put it where you towld me to, and where I'll 
know how to find it in case it's wanted. 

Mildred. Well, I'm glad you realize how rude 
you were to Mr. Hastings. You should always make 
it a point to be respectful to every one. Bring it 
along into the laboratory, and I'll unlock the chest. 

Constance. Yes, Miss Delavan, I'm bringing it, 
and I'm going to show Mr. Hastings the respict to 
keep an eye on it so it can't get away widout my 
knowing it, be it morning, noon or night! (Picks 
up satchel and starts toivard door l., with it) 



ACT III. ' 

Time: A few zveeks later. 

Scene: Same room with tea-tables removed. It 
is evening. Room prettily decorated with 



48 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

flowers and shaded candles. Table at r. for 
punch howl and glasses. Divan at l. Decora- 
tive screen stands hack of table at r. 

Discovered: In full evening attire, chatting and 
moving about, Mrs. Herrick, Freda Mason, 
Alice Stanley, Bert Shafer, Sylvester 
Crane, Mildred Delavan and others. Mil- 
dred is the center of a little group. 

Freda. Why, Mildred, that big new tea-room is 
splendid, and I wouldn't have recognized the ball- 
room at all ! 

Bert. By jove, the ball-room's corking! 

Mrs. Herrick. . It's a most perfect background 
for a Charity Bazaar and dance. 

Sylvester. (Languidly) With all the assem- 
bled houris drifting in and out, it looked to me 
like a scene from the Arabian Nights. 

Freda. Girls, imagine being dubbed " houris ! " 
How enchanting! 

Mrs. Herrick. (To Mildred) Your mother 
must have had in an expert decorator from New 
York to work such wonders. 

Mildred. No, nothing of the kind. Mama would 
scold me for telling, I suppose, but that little Irish 
Nora designed the whole thing. 

Several Voices. Nora ? 

Mrs. Herrick. Is it possible 

Mildred. Indeed it is. Mama consults her 
about everything quite as if she were a private 
secretary or something. I think it's a mistake to 
make so much of her myself, for in some ways she's 
as stupid and Irish as you can imagine. 

Several Voices. Oh, of course! Naturally. 
(Etc.) 

Constance. (Enters at c. Carries a basket 
laden zvith fans. She retains brogue ahvays zvhen 



MLSS SOMEBODY ELSE 49 

necessary to inaintaiii her disguise. She zvears an 
Irish peasant costume much idealized) Fans! 
Fans ! Fans ! for all the ladies, with the compli- 
ments of Mrs. Delavan. {Strikes coquettish atti- 
tude and holds up a fan) 

Aljce. Souvenirs! How charming! (Omnes 
with exclamations of interest draw near Constance) 

Bert. {Exarning fans) By Jove — corking! If 
I were a maiden fair I'd cop that red one. 

Freda. {Laughs) Whv does a man alwavs like 
red? - ■ ".' , . ., _ 

Constance. For the same reason he likes a shi:- 
la\' or a bu'l-dog. It's the nature of the brute. 
(Bert and Sylvester laugh at her reply. Con- 
stance picks lip a delicately shaded fan) Here's 
a fan that cries out for a lady with dreamy eyes to 
keep it company. 

Sylvester. May I claim it for Miss Blainwood? 

Constance. You may. {The fan reaches Fay 
by zvay of Sylvester) 

Fay. Thanks ! Nice of you, Sylvie, to offer it 
to me. 

Constance. This one to cool the blush on the 
cheek of a brunette. {Holds up a yellow fan) 

Alice. Let" no one have it but myself! {Claims 
the yellozv fan) 

Constance. This for a beguiling blonde. {Offers 
pale pink fan to Mildred) 

Mildred. Thanks, Nora, but I prefer to choose 
one for myself. {Picks up another fan) 

Constance. {Humorously) There's no ac- 
counting for tastes. (Omnes laugh at the re- 
joinder. Picks up a brilliantly-colored fan) 
This one would coquet the heart out of a Spanish 
bull-fighter. 

Mrs. Herrick. Oh, that's for me! My great, 
great grandmother was a Castilian beauty ! 



50 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Constance. (Presents fan) Sure your great, 
great grandmother lives again in yourself. 

Mrs. Herrick. You were born in Ireland, 
weren't you, Nora? 

Constance. Let me see. My great, great 
grandmother was — (Stops short) Well, if she 
wasn't born in Ireland, she wasn't too far away 
to throw kisses at the shamrocks. 

Mrs. Delavan. (Appears at c.) Everybody 
wanted who is to take part in the La Patria Cotil- 
lion ! 

Freda. Oh, I didn't know it was time for it! 

Mildred. Who leads? You, Mr. Sylvester? 

(Omnes, except Mrs. Herrick, Alice and Con- 
stance, exit at c. after Mrs. Delavan. Pa- 
triot Dance-music heard off r. Mr. Delavan 
enters from laboratory at l. and looks at retir- 
ing crowd in bewilderment.) 

Mr. Delavan. Wh — why something seems to 
be going on here! 

Constance. (Kindly, as she notes his confusion) 
Wouldn't you like a fan, Mr. Delavan, to blow the 
cobwebs from your brain? (Puts a fan in his hand 
zvhich he wields mechanically) 

Mrs. Herrick. It's our annual Charity Bazaar 
and Dance. Didn't you know about it? 

Jasper. I remember now Ann did say something 
about dress clothes. Too bad I should have for- 
gotten ! In the company of ladies arrayed in all the 
tints of the solar spectrum, I feel quite out of place. 

Mrs. Herrick. Oh, but you shouldn't, Mr. 
Delavan. 

Alice. No, indeed! You look so picturesque! 
I think the eccentricities of genius are simply fas- 
cinating. Your coat has such a talented way of al- 
ways being buttoned crooked. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 51 

Mrs. Herrick. And in any case, Vm sure we 
should feel honored to have such a well-known 
scientist in our midst. 

Alice. When I read those newspaper headlines 
about the success of the Ozonia experiments, I 
could hardly believe it was our Mr. Delavan who had 
leaped into such sudden fame. 

Mrs. Herrick. My husband says it will mean a 
fortune to you in time. 

Jasper. (Not heeding them, still troubled about 
his appearance) I really can't hunt up those dress- 
clothes now. I'm working out several complex 
formulae and I think I'll go up to the attic where Ann 
won't run across me. Yes, I'm quite certain she 
won't run across me in the attic. Nora, you won't 
mention having seen me to Mrs. Delavan? 

Constance. Mention it ? Why should I ? Com- 
fort yourself I'm blind as a bat hid under a bushel 
measure 'til you've gone out that door. {Indicates 
door r.) 

Jasper. (Relieved) Thank you, Nora. Good 
evening, ladies. (Jasper exits door r.) 

Mrs. Herrick. (To Alice) Absolutely uncon- 
scious of having on shoes that didn't match, wasn't 
he? 

Alice. Yes, just Hke that dear Mr. Edison! 

Mrs. Herrick. Is it true, Nora, that some one 
helped Mr. Delavan put Ozonia on the market — 
advanced him the money? 

Alice. And was it a woman, Nora? 

Mrs. Herrick. We've heard vague hints — ru- 
mors — -that it was. 

Alice. We're asking out of pure disinterested 
friendship for Mrs. Delavan, of course. 

Constance. Well, I ain't in the habit of listen- 
ing at doors, but from what I picked up — (Pauses 
significantly) 

Mrs. Herrick and Alice. Well? 



52 . MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Constance. I ain't saying that it was a woman 
and I ain't saying that it wasn't. 

Mrs. Herrick. Mercy, Nora! That's worse 
than no answer at all. Nevertheless I feel sure the 
rumor was true. Probably some rich widow who 
fell in love with him in spite of his having a wife 
and child. 

Constance. And why should it be a rich widow 
in love wid him? Why shouldn't it be a poor spal- 
peen of a worI:ing girl who wasn't, but who belaved 
in his genius? 

Mrs. Herrick. Impossible! Mrs. Delavan told 
me herself a few weeks ago that Mr. Delavan could 
never get anywhere with Ozonia without the expen- 
diture of several thousand dollars. How could a 
mere working girl lay her hands on that much 
money ? 

Constance. Sure if I knew that, wouldn't I be 
laying hands on some of it mesilf ? 

Mrs. Herrick. Well, you see, then, you must 
be wrong. Shall we go back to the ball room, Alice? 

Alice. Yes, I think we'd better see what's go- 
ing on. (Alice and Mrs. Herrick exit c. and r. 
John enters at c. from off l. carrying huge punch- 
howl) 

John. The punch. Miss O'Brien. 

Constance. {Without brogue) Set it on the 
table, John. 

John. Yes, Miss O'Brien. (Sets punch bowl 
on table at r. Enter Mrs. Delavan c.) 

Mrs. Delavan. (To. Constance) My dear, 
have you seen Jasper anywhere? 

Constance. (To John) Be careful not to spill 
it over the side. 

Mrs.. Delavan. (Goes toward laboratory door 
at L.) He really should make his appearance m the 
ball-room. (Opens door at l. and looks in) Not 
there. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 53 

Constance. (As John starts tozvard door c.) 
You look very nice, John, even if you do walk as 
if you had a poker up your back and one up each 

John. That's exactly the way I feel. I'll be glad 
when you order out the car again, Miss Dar — Miss 
O'Brien, I mean— and I can climb back to my wheel. 

Constance. I know you will, John, and I shan't 
ask you to stand the strain of butlerdom much 
longer. 

John. Thank you, Miss O'Brien. Another 
bowl in the green parlor, you said ? 

Constance. Y^s,' on the table between the win- 
dows. 

(John exits at c.) 

Mrs. Delavan. I'm trying to think where Jas- 
per can be. I'm so proud of him, and I think he 
ought to be seen! 

Constance. (Dropping back into brogue again) 
I wouldn't hurt me eyesight looking for him. 

Mrs. Delavan. You know where he is. 

Constance. You can't expict me to incriminate 
mesilf. 

Mrs. Delavan. You do know, you little rogue, 
only you choose to shield him. 

Celeste. (Enters at c. from off l. carrying 
punch-glasses which she sets in front of bowl) 
Oh, Mademoiselle, if you could only have the nearby 
ear to hear the ladies — what they spik of you ! 
(Laughs) 

Constance, Of me 

Mrs. Delavan. Which ladies ? Where, Celeste ? 

Celeste. ..Above the stair — the ladies as I help 
to adjust slippjer and arrange the hair. They say: 
'' That leetle Irish Nora — she is too pretty for a 
maid." They say : ** She is dangerous ! " They 



54 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

say : " She keep not the place of a maid and she 
go to turn the head of that young Monsieur Blain- 
wood." They say : " Some one should spik to hees 
mother." 

Constance. Ha, ha. ha! Oh, Aunt Ann! If 
yon only knew how that t'ck^ed my funny bone ! 

Celeste. And that Madam Blainwood — you 
shouM see how she fix the wide open eye on me! 
(Illustrates) 

Constance. She did not recognize you as the 
dinner-party lady, I hope ? 

Celeste. Almost she remember I am the rich 
Madam Royer, but I gaze at her with the eyes so 
eenocent, she cannot think I go to deceive her. 
She raise the lorgnette — she put her head on the 
side with curiosity — so ! Then she let fall the proud 
shouldair and dismees me — pouff! She blow me 
away like I am a leetle pinch from the powdair- 
puff. I am only a maid! 

Constance. I hope Susan will evade discovery 
as successfully. I don't know whether she's on duty 
in the green parlor or not. 

Mrs. Delavan. Since she's made up her mind 
to leave me, she can't be counted on at all. 

Constance. If she is there, don't rest until 
you've made her smile, Celeste. I don't want her 
looking like a mourner at a funeral. 

Celeste. Oui, Mademoiselle, I will make her 
smile in the green parlor if it ees to teeckle her in 
the so melancholy rib. (Exit c. and off r.) 

Mrs. Delavan. (To Constance) It's all go- 
ing splendidly. My dream is fulfilled. Tuxedobrook 
has opened its arms to me at last. 

Constance. (Without dialect) Stupid Tuxedo- 
brook ! It should have done that long ago. Will 
you have a fan with the compliments of Mrs. Del- 
avan. (Gives Mrs. Delavan the last of the fans) 

Mrs. Delavan. (Accepts it) What won't you 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 55 

think out next? I never saw such a campaign of 
advertising in my Hfe. You're wonderful 

Constance. (With satisfaction) Anyhow they 
didn't hold the Bazaar in Lyceum Hall as they 
vowed they would. 

Mrs. Delavan. It would have broken my heart 
if we hadn't landed it for the Club House. It's the 
biggest event of the season. 

Constance. I knew that, and that's why I made 
up my mind to close Lyceum Hall. 

Mrs. Delavan. (A}na.^cd) You closed it? 

Constance. By me troth, I did. Not being able 
to stay here a hundred years or so, I took a short 
cut to success. 

Mrs. Delavan. So it was you who induced the 
new owner of Lyceum Hall to close it to the Ba- 
zaar? 

Constance. It was I who induced her to close 
it. 

Mrs. Delavan. The new owner is a woman, 
then? 

Con^stance. (Demurely) You're looking at the 
new owner now. 

Mrs. Delavan. You? 

Constance. Confession is good for the soul. 
I've always wanted to dabble in real estate, and 
Lyceum Hall was my opening dab. Next Winter 
I may turn it into a skating-rink. 

Mrs. Delavan. And you actually bought Ly- 
ceum Hall in order to close it for my sake! How 
can I ever repay you for all you've done for me? 
And how can I ever repay you for what you've 
done for Jasper? 

Constance. You owe me nothing. Aunt Ann, 
and if anyone on earth ever deserved a boost. Uncle 
Jasper did. Besides I've had a million dollars' 
worth of fun out of Tuxedobrook already, and more 
to follow. Wait 'til I make Daddy buy an interest 



56 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

in an up-to-date skating-rink at inflated prices ! Oil, 
I've more schemes than you could carry in a broken 
satchel to show him he's not the only Darcy with a 
head for business. 

Mrs. Delavan. That's right — try to cover up 
your unselfishness ; try to make it a matter of head, 
iiot of heart! You darling! (Takes Constance:' 
in her arms) 

Constance. Don't embrace your Irish factotum. ! 
She has no objections in person, but it isn't done in^ 
the best society. 

Cruger. (Enters at c.) At last! I've been 
looking for you everywhere, Miss Darcy. 

Constance. (Mischievously assumes dialect for 
the most of her conversation zvith Cruger) " Nora " 
if you p^aze, in case there should be ears. 

Mrs. Delavan. Do sample the punch, Mr. Blain- 
wcjod. I hope it's a success. (Exits c. and off r.) 

Constance. For what rayson did you wish to 
see me? 

Cruger. Isn't the wish reason enough? But 
perhaps it was because I wanted to ask you to 
weave a witch spell over the bowl before I drink. 

Constance. No sooner said than done. (She 
gets behind the punch-bowl and makes weird passes 
over it as she intones the verse) — 

Come ye witches, black as coal, 

Drop your magic in the bowl, 
A pinch of heart, and a taste of soul. 

Come ye witches black as coal ! 

Cruger. Stop that, you little Irish enchantress, 
or I'll take a header and drown myself in the bowl 
right before your eyes ! 

Constance. (With mock solemnity) I wouldn't 
have you drown yourself for anything! 

Cruger. (Highly flattered) Wouldn't you? 
Wouldn't you? Why not? .^ 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 57 

CoNSTANCF. You'd spoil the taste of the punch. 

Cruger. [Crestf alien) You grow more cruel 
by the minute. I'm sometimes afraid that when 
you're through with your Httle masquerade, you'll 
be through with me too. 

Constance. And why not? 

Cruger. Nora ! You were only teasing when 
you said that ! 

Constance. Maybe I was. Maybe I'm telling 
the truth when I confess I've been jealous this night 
of the fine ladies who had the right to dance with 
you in the face and eyes of everyone, while I could 
only look on lonesome-like from a distance, and 
sigh, and sigh ! 

Cruger. And now you're making fun of me! 
How much longer must I wait before I'm free to 
tell all Tuxedobrook who you really are? 

Constance. Oh, I'm not through with being 
Nora yet by any means ! 

Cruger. If you had only been yourself all this 
time — think of all the gay parties I might have ar- 
ranged in your honor. Instead of Nora who dared 
not be seen out with me. Miss Darcy could have 
honored me and my pet roadster through all these 
sunshiny days. 

C0N.STANCE. But there are years ahead of sun- 
shiny days, and only one chance to be Nora. Let 
me be Nora while I may ! Why, it's a liberal edu- 
cation to look at life from below stairs instead of 
from above, to see it without its company manners ! 
When you're only Nora, people are their real selves 
with you — they have no occasion to be anything 
else. You see them, good and bad, genuine and 
sham, just as they are. {Assumes brogue) Some 
show extra kindness to the poor little greenhorn, 
heaven save her simple soul ! And others put her 
in her proper place and keep her there. I've been 
sat upon and snubbed because of me humble station 



58 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

in life, and been as saucy as I liked in return, be- 
cause how shou'd I know the difference? (Aban- 
dons hroniic) No, no, I shall never be sorry I wa^ 
Nora. Why, as Nora Vm seeing diayligh in direc 
tions where before I W3s blundering around in the 
dark! And what doesn't Nora dare do if she likes? 
Why, they tell me she's even cast a flirtatious eye 
on the proud and only son of Mrs. Hector Blain- 
wood, ignorant little Irish nobody that she is ! 
(Drops into brogue again) To stop me flow of 
language I'll take a cup of punch wid you. 

Cruger. Here's to Nora! (They take punch to- 
gether) 

Constance. I'll tell her good-bye with sadness. 

Cruger. (Sets down glass) Delicious, but not 
half so delicious as you. Nora, I love you ! 

Constance. Don't spake words to me like that, 
even if you do not mane thim! 

Cruger. But I do mean them, and you know it, 
and that I want the whole world to know it too. 
But you don't give the snap of your fingers for me. 

Constance. Sure, whin I niver could learn how 
to make me fingers snap, how should I know 
whether I care the snap of me fingers or not? 

Cruger. There, you're laughing at me again ! 

Constance. (M^ith underlying seriousness) And 
if I am laughing at you, I'm laughing too at me- 
self. For a poor colleen cannot think of business 
and love-making at the same time without damage 
to one or the other, I've business of importance on 
hand before the clock strikes twelve, and Fve a feel- 
ing that if I stay here talking to a handsome gintle- 
man much longer, here's danger of a slump in the 
market, and a panic in the business world ! 

Cruger. (Delighted) Nora! 

Constance. Be off with you, or Fll take ivery 
word of it back ! 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 59 

Cruger. (Laughingly) I throw up my hands 
and hit the trail for the ball-room. (Exits c.) 

(The music, until now heard faintly from r. ceases, 
Hastings passes Blainwood as he enters c. 
Looks hack after him, then significantly at 
Constance, zvho is arranging the punch 
glasses. ) 

Hastings. Oho! So Blainwood has been mak- 
ing love to you again, has he? It's not the first 
time I've caught him at it. (Constance ignores 
him. She hums a little Irish tune, picks up her 
basket and starts to exit c. Hastings intercepts 
her) Now, now, you shan't run away from me like 
that ! 

Constance. I've this basket to fill. You shouldn't 
be stopping me. 

Hastings. You pretty Irish witch! Why will 
you never give me a moment alone with you? You 
must know you always go to my head like a glass of 
wine. Why, I'm crazy about you! You have all 
the beauties in there backed off the ball-room floor 
for looks. 

CoNTANCE. And where do you keep that stolen 
bit of the blarney-stone, Mr. Hastings? Let me 
kiss it. 

Hastings. Why waste the sweetness of your 
lips on something that isn't alive, Nora? (She 
evades him as he tries to take her in his arms) 

Constance. Stop! The likes of you shouldn't 
make love to the likes of me! 

Hastings. You should be proud to have a real 
gentleman notice you, Nora. 

Constance. Sure, that's why you found me 
talking with Mr. Blainwood! 

Hastings. Why is it you don't like me? 

Constance. Maybe I know too much about you. 



6o MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Hastings. (Uneasily) Just what do you mean 
by that? 

Constance. How could an ignorant Irish spal- 
peen like nie mane anything at all? 

Hastings. While there's no one around, let me 
kiss you. 

Constance. V/hile there's no one around — ■ 
(Gives him a smart box on the ear as he bends to- 
ward her) Take that with me compliments. (Runs 
off at c. zvhere she meets Fay Blainwood) Faith, 
it was almost a collision! (Exits off R. in hall) 

Fay. (Advances tozvard Hastings,, agitatedly) 
Ralph, you're not angry with me. Are you? 

Hastings. Not with you. Of course I knew it 
was your mother who was responsible for your re- 
fusal to dance with me — but that didn't make it less 
of a humiliation. 

Fay. I'm sorry you were humiliated, dear. But 
it has just spoiled my whole evening, too, I want 
you to know that. You must win mother's confi- 
dence again some way, Ralph. That's the only way 
out for us. 

Hastings. Easier said than done. She turned 
against me without reason, didn't she? 

Fay. Why, of course I think so or I wouldn't 
be here talking with you now. 

HASTii\GS. Just because I borrowed a little 
money about town while awaiting those dividends 
from my copper mines — a perfectly legitimate 
thing to do, she begins demanding letters of refer- 
ence from my freinds and relatives — as if I were a 
flunkey or something applying for a job ! 

Fay. But she didn't mean it that way at all, I 
know she didn't. Naturally, since father died, 
mother feels more responsible for me than ever 
and more anxious that I shouldn't make a mistake 
in the man I choose to marry. Of course I know 
she's inclined to go too far with it, but after all 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 6i 

why should it hurt your pride to answer a few ques- 
tions about your family — it would be quite a simple 
matter it seems to me ? 

Hastings. No, no, Fay. I draw the line at be- 
ing cross-questioned like a criminal on trial. I 
thought you loved and trusted me, sweetheart. 

Fay. I do, Ralph, I do. It's only that mother — — 

Hastings. It's come to the point where we must 
take things into our own hands, that's all. 

Fay. What do you mean by that? 

Hastings. I mean that some day next week we'll 
slip quietly out of town and get married. 

Fay. (Recoiling) Oh, but not without mother's 
consent ? 

Hastings. Certainly, without her consent. We'll 
ask her forgiveness afterwards. 

Fay. No, I couldn't do that. 

Hastings. Why not? 

Fay. It would hurt her so, and she's been so 
kind and dear to me always. 

Hastings. Do you mean that if it came to a 
choice between us — she would come first? 

Fay. Don't put me to such a test as that — please ! 
Please ! 

Hastings. Sweetheart, why should you hesi- 
tate? My love will make up to you for the loss of 
everything else. 

Fay. Oh, I wouldn't mind relinquishing all my 
money — everything — but mother's love. Somehow 
I can't bear to lose that. 

Hastings. (Plainly jarred, but speaking with 
caution) What do you mean by saying you 
wouldn't mind relinquishing your money? What 
money ? 

Fay. Why, my inheritance ! 

Hastings. Your inheritance? 

Fay. Yes, father left it in his will, you know, 
that should either Cruger or myself marry without 



62 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

mother's consent, our money reverts to her, all of it. 

Hastings. (Makes patent effort to regain his 
self possession) It seems a little strange you never 
mentioned such a will to me before. Not that it is 
of the slightest consequence to me, of course — I'm 
th'nking only of you — but are you certain such a 
rid'cu'ous stipulation could stand in law? 

Fay. In this particular case I'm certain of it. 
Father was a lawyer himself, you know, a very 
celebrated ore, and must have known what he was 
about. 

Hastings. Well, then, for your sake, I'll furnish 
your mother with the particulars she requires. 

Fay. I'm so glad to hear you say that. Then our 
engagement can be announced at once! (Con- 
stance, with replenished tray of fans, appears in c. 
in time to hear Fay speak of engagement. She 
shows intense interest and surreptitiously slips be- 
hind screen back of punch table at r.) And that 
just reminds me that I wanted to ask you for my 
pearl and diamond necklace before mother noticed 
I didn't have it on. I didn't tell her I'd given it to 
you to wear next your heart for fear she'd think 
we were foolishly sentimental — especially in her 
present frame of mind. So please fasten it on for 
me, dear. 

Hastings. Well, er 

Fay. You do wear it next your heart, don't you 
— after all the lovely poetry you quoted when you 
asked me for it? 

Hastings. Of course I do — as a rule, but I 
haven't it with me now because I noticed one of 
the stones was loose and left it with Lambert in 
Bridgeton to reset. 

Fay. Well, that's dififerent. Of course that was 
very kind and thoughtful of you, even if it does 
mean I'll probably have words with mother before 
the evening is over. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 63 

Sylvester. (Enter at c.) Well, Miss Will o' 
the Wisp, I've located you at last! This next is 
our dance, I believe. 

Hastings. (Formally, to Fay) I'm afraid I've 
been detaining you. (Exits c. and off r.) 

Fay. Forgive me, but I'd quite forgotten you, 
Sylvie. 

Sylvester. (Calmly philosophical) I knew 
you had. Girls always forget me, especially girls I 
couldn't forget if I wanted to. I've no personality, 
you know — never had, nothing about me to make 
people remember me. Have to remind people I'm 
alive as a rule. Even at school they never used to 
take notice whether I was present or absent, it made 
so little difference. I'm a negative quantity — a 
major chord with a third left out. I wish I were a 
gay adventurer, instead of such a colorless, blot- 
ting-paper kind of chap. 

Fay. a gay adventurer? What on earth — why, 
Sylvie, I've known you for years, and never had 
o) suspicion you wanted to be anything but just the 
good, kind, steady boy you've always been. 

Sylvester. Fellow gets tired of being a good, 
kind, steady boy, when he realizes that isn't the sort 
of chap a girl admires. 

Fay. But I'm sure everyone is fond of you, Syl- 
vie, very fond. I am myself — (Hastily) In a sis- 
terly way, I mean. 

Sylvester. Don't need sisters. I have six of 
them already. 

Fay. (Embarrassed) Oh, if it's a sweetheart 
you want, I'll try to help you 

Sylvester. Please don't. Never cared for but 
one girl in my life. She liked me too — in a sisterly 
way, of course. Perhaps if some one else hadn't 
come along — but someone else did come along, and 
I faded off the blackboard as usual. 



64 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Fay. (Somezvhat remorsefully) I'm sorry, 
Sylvie. 

Sylvester. No, not really sorry. I never im- 
press anyone deeply enough for that. 

Fay. (Still more remorsefully) But you ARE 
so good ! 

Sylvester. {Ironically resigned) Thanks. 

Fay. And you dance like an angel ! 

Sylvester. Thanks again, but angels don't 
dance. They aviate instead. {Exit Fay and Syl- 
vester c. and off r.) 

(Constance emerges from behind screen. Goes up 
c. and looks off. Sees something that makes 
her fairly scamper back to shelter of screen 
aqain. After a moment, Hastings enters. 
Chews at a cigarette and marches nervously up 
and down. Constance peeps from behind 
screen just as he is examininq a pearl and dia- 
m>ond necklace he draws from his pocket. 
Dance music is heard from off r. Hastings 
returns necklace to pocket. He starts for door 
c. and meets Mildred, entering. Enter Mildred 
c. Dance music heard off r.) 

Hastings. Mildred ! I was just this moment 
wondering where I could find you. 

Mildred. Oh, what matters a dancing engage- 
ment more or less ? You've been having a charming 
little tete a tete with your fiancee, I suppose? 

Hastings. There, there, little one, don't be 
jealous ! 

Mildred. But I am jealous. You have me 
wound around your little finger in spite of my 
knowing you're engaged to Fay Blainwood. I just 
can't seem to help myself. 

Hastings. Speaking of Fay, I've good news for 
you — news that will please you if you still love me 
as you've said you do. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 65 

AIiLDRED. What couM be good news for me? 

Hastings. I'm done with Fay Blainwood for- 
ever. 

Mildred. (Eagerly) You've broken with her? 

Hastings. (Cautiously) Sh ! In my own 
mind, though I haven't told her so yet. 

Mildred. Broken with Fay? No, it isn't pos- 
sible ! 

Hastings. Why should you be so surprised? 
Haven't I always told you I loved you best? 

Mildred. But you said you were in honor 
bound to keep your word to her. I can't under- 
stand what could have happened. 

Hastings. Nothing happened, only I — well, I 
suddenly realized that when a man cares as much 
for one girl as I do you he simply hasn't the moral 
right to marry another one. 

Mildred. Oh, no — there's something else — I 
know there is — but I don't care. I don't want to 
know what it is. I just want to believe you love 
me best whether you do or not. I've been so un- 
happy over Fay! When are you going to tell 
her it's all over between you? 

Hastings. I don't think I'd better tell her in 
person. I'm soft-hearted, and I don't want her to 
cry me into going on with it after all, you know. 

Mildred. Of course you don't ! 

Hastings. So it's best I should get right out of 
town and let her know the truth by mail. 

Mildred. You're going away? 

Hastings. Yes, and take you with me. Just for 
a few weeks, that's all. Then we'll come back 
and settle down. Well, what do you say to it? 

Mildred. Wh — why, I'd never thought of being 
married out of town with no big church wedding, 
nor bridesmaids nor anything! 

Hastings. Well, if those things mean more to 



66 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

you than I do — (Shrugs his shoulders and starts to 
walk azvay) 

Mildred. (Hastily) But they don't. How 
soon do you want to go? 

Hastings. Well, to avoid explanations to Fay, 
I think we'd better skip tonight. 

Mildred. Tonight ? Oh, no ! 

Hastings. Tonight or never. There now, 
sweetheart, it's a bit sudden I know, but you must 
let me decide what's best for both of us. Where's 
that satchel? 

Mildred. What satchel? 

Hastings. What satchel ? Great heavens ! The 
one I left in your care, of course. 

Mildred. Oh, that old one with the essays and 
things? I thought you meant a traveling satchel. 
W^hy, that old one will be safe right where it is un- 
til we get home from our honeymoon! 

Hastings. I don't doubt it would be safe 
enough, but it's a sort of superstition with me to 
take it along whenever I go any distance from 
home. 

Mildred. Then of course we can take it along. 
It's locked away in the Japanese chest there in 
Papa's laboratory. 

Hastings. Then let's get it right now. (Starts 
for door l.) 

Mildred. We can't, just this minute. 

Hastings. Why not? 

Mildred. The key to the chest is up in my room 
somewhere. 

Hastings. Somewhere? Don't you know 
where ? 

Mildred. Yes, I put it in the top drawer of my 
chiffonier in an old jewel-box. Shall I get it? 

Hastings. Right away, sweetheart — please. 
And while you're about it gather up a few duds and 
climb into a motor-coat. If you work fast we may 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 67 

be able to manage it all without attracting: attention. 

Mildred. Oh, that part of it will be all right ! By 
the time we're ready to start, the tableaux will have 
begun and they will keep everybody busy for an 
hour. Of course I hate to leave father and mother 
but we'll come back soon, won't we? 

Hastings. Of course. Go now, and make sure 
of that key first of all. 

Mildred. May I leave a little note for mother 
telling her we're to be married? 

Hastings. Not for anything. Er — after it's all 
over we can send her a telegram. 

Mildred. That will make it all right. I just 
didn't want her to worry. 

Hastings. Get ready as fast as you can. In the 
(neantime I'll be seen around in the crowd and drift 
bach here in time to meet you. 

Mildred. You're sure you love me better than 
Fay? 

Hastings. Sweetheart, am I not proving it? 
(Kisses Mildred) 

Mildred. I'll be ready in no time. (Exits c. and 
off I..) 

Hastings. (Sotto voce) Little fool! (Exits 
leisurely c. and off r.) 

(Constance emerges from behind screen. Stands 
deeply thoughtful for a moment, then exits into 
hall. Is seen signalling off to someone with 
her handkerchief. Comes back into room and 
in a moment Cruger enters at c. from r. and 
comes down to join her.) 

Cruger. Was that little wigwag meant for me? 

Constance. It was, and I'm so glad you caught 
it. Listen! I've been making a human dictograph 
of myself behind that screen. My brain has rec- 
orded several valuable bits of Mr. Hastings' con- 



68 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

versation — the last of which was with Mildred 
Delavan. Poor, deluded little Mildred ! 

Cruger. H.e was making love to her on the sly, 
I suppose. 

Constance. (Nods) That's one of his favorite 
occupations. 

Cruger. I've always told Fay I thought him a 
cad. 

Constance. He's worse than a cad. He in- 
tends to make his getaway tonight while the tableaux 
are going on, and he's persuaded Mildred to go 
along with him. 

Cruger. Just on general principles I think I 
ought to call him out and pummel him within an 
inch of his life. 

Constance. (Gets between him and door c.) 
You'd spoil everything with such tactics. 

Cruger. Forgive me, little chief, I lost my head 
for a minute, that's all. 

Constance. I don't blame you in the least, but 
since he has been so busy making a trap for himself, 
why not let him walk into it undisturbed? 

Cruger. You think he doesn't suspect you've 
had him under surveillance? 

Constance. I know he doesn't. He's even made 
love to me. 

Cruger. That settles it. I've got to pummel 
him. 

Constance. Wait ! I thought you really wanted 
to help me. 

Cruger. Forgive me again, and I'll obey your 
commands without question. What can I do to 
help you? 

Constance. Roll up your sleeves and kidnap a 
lady. 

Cruger. (Starts back, dismayed) What? 

Constance. That is — if it becomes necessary. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 69 

Cruger. (Eagerly) Does the lady happen to be 
you? 

Constance. No. 

Cruger. Then I declare a strike. 

Constance. Do you call that obeying commands 
without question? 

Cruger. The strike is off. 

Constance. Thank you. The young woman to 
whom I referred was Mildred. She has gone to 
her room to pack up as Hastings told her to. Now, 
I want you to camp out on the stairs until she starts 
down to join him. Of course when she sees you 
she'll wish to avoid being seen, and wait for you to 
move away. But you're not to move. You're to re- 
main planted right in her way. 

Cruger. But if she gets desperate and tries to 
pass me? 

Constance. Then detain her by the charm of 
your conversation. 

Cruger. That's something my conversation 
never had. 

Constance. Don't let her get by you, even if 
you have to kidnap her and lock her up in the 
nbrary to prevent it. 

Cruger. (Humorously) A few gags, brass 
knuckles and coils of rope might come in handy. 
But never mind, if I undertake the job, I'll put it 
through somehow. But when am I to set my pris- 
oner free? 

Constance. You can take it as a signal when 
you hear me laugh at the top of my lungs. 

(Dance music at r. ceases.) 

Cruger. I'm a bloody Bluebeard until then. 
But what will you be doing in the meantime, little 
fellow conspirator? 

Constance. Keeping my wits about me. I must ^ 



70 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

be ready to checkmate Mr. Hastings no matter what 
move he may make! {Smilingly takes up tray) 
Fans, wid the compliments of Mrs. Delavan! 
(Takes a fan in her hand and smiles back over 
her shoulder at Cruger, as she exits c. into hall 
and off R.) Fans! Fans! Fans! 



ACT IV 

Time: Later the same evening. 

Scene: Unchanged from Act III. 

Discovered: Alice, entering, followed by Bert. 
Alice zvears a beautiful evening gown the tulle 
drapery of zvhich drags in torn ribbons behind 
her. 

Alice Oh, of course, Bert, I know you didn't 
trample on me purposely, but your good intentions 
don't mend my gown ! (Pins up a bit of torn, 
drapery, Bert looking distressfully on) I need 
more pins. You don't happen to have a stray one 
anywhere, do you. (Bert produces a huge pin 
from under lapel of his coat) I said a pin, Bert, 
not a golf club. There, I'll gather up the rest 
of my tatters with this brooch. {Completes pinning 
up hanging streamers of tulle) 

Bert. {Hopefully) I know Fm a pretty bad 
dancer, but don't I step out a bit more gracefully 
than I did? 

Alice. Read your answer, Bert, it stands be- 
fore you. 

Bert. {Ruefully) Trod on you like the wine- 
press, didn't I? 

Alice. To tell the truth, Bert, I feel exactly 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 71 

like a shredded wheat biscuit. You walked up my 
back, trod the buckle off my slipper, caught your 
sleeve-link in my hair — and still imagine you can 
dance. 

Bert. No, I don't. All the conceit is taken out 
of me. 

Alice. Then that's one thing accomplished to 
pay for the wreck of my Paris gown. 

Bert. By jove, you look corking in that gown! 

Alice. In what's left of it, vou mean But may 
be I'll hang together for the balance of the eve- 
ning. If I don't, they'll have to send me home in 
a bandbox — that's all. 

Bert. If you'll just try the one-step with me 
again in the side corridor with no one around. I'll 
whistle the music. 

Alice. Have you actually the audacity to ask 
me to dance with you again? 

Bert. I've got the hang of it now. 

Alice. What makes you think so? 

Bert. (Imploringly) I'd love to dance with 
what's left of you, Alice. 

Alice. But why select me for the lamb to be led 
to the slaughter? You know I never could resist 
an appeal to my sympathies. 

Bert. I want a chance to redeem myself in your 
eyes. 

Alice. Oh, you don't need redeeming person- 
ally, Bert, it's only your feet that are incorrigible. 
(Allozvs him to take dancing position with her. He 
begins to whistle dance music. They make a bad 
start) Not that foot forward, Bert — ^the other 
one. (They make another start) 

(Enter Mrs. Blainwood c.) 

Mrs. Blainwood. No more dancing! The 
tableaux are about to begin. You're one of the 



72 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

young ladies to take part in The Bachelor's Dream, 
aren't you, Alice? 

Alice. Yes, though I feel more like a nightmare. 
(Indicates her torn costume) 

(Enter Mrs. Delavan c. followed by Mrs. Her- 
RiCK, Fay, Freda and others.) 

Fay. The stage is all ready for the opening 
tableau. Mama. 

Freda. And it looks just ravishing! 

Mrs. Blainwoodd. Well, I'm glad to hear it. 
Really, Mrs. Delavan, until I took charge of the 
tableaux, I never realized what such a responsibil- 
ity meant. There are a thousand things to think 
about — the lights, the music, the costumes, the 
make-up 

Susan. (Propels herself in unexpectedly from r. 
She zvears new black silk dress and turban. On the 
back of the turban is plastered a large rosette in 
black and zvhite zvith black streamers reaching to 
her zvaist and looking not unlike an undertaker's 
emblem lifted from a door knob) Excuse me for 
interruptin', but as long as I've been settin' in one 
spot for the last half hour 

Mrs. Delavan. (Apologetically) Oh, Susan! 
I had forgotten entirely you were waiting to say 
good-bye. (Explains to others) Susan takes the 
midnight train out of town. She's leaving me to get 
married. 

Mrs. Herrick. (Kindly) Is that so? How in- 
teresting! (To others) Susan used to be in my 
mother's service, you know. (To Susan) I never 
supposed you'd be capable of anything so frivolous 
as matrimony, Susan. 

Susan. The state of matrimony is a pure and 
holy one accordin' to Scriptures, 

Alice. Oh, I just love weddings ! Anybody's 
wedding. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 73 

Freda. I suppose you have your white dress 
and veil all folded away and ready for the occasion ? 

Susan. Yes, Miss, my dress has tissue paper 
stuffin' in the sleeves, an' it's folded neat in a paste- 
board box, but I ain't goin' to wear one of them 
dragglin' veils, an' my dress ain't white. It's laven- 
der rep — dark colored. 

Mrs. Herrick. Susan! Susan! Lavender for 
a bride? 

Susan. Yes'm. With black trimmin's. 

Mrs. Delavan. Surely not black trimmings, 
Su'^an, for such a festive occasion? 

Susan. Yes'm. I consider it more respectful. 

Mrs. Herrick. Respectful to whom? 

Susan. To Mr. Simpkins, mu future husband. 
I'm carryin' an undertaker with a tombstone busi- 
ness on the side. 

Mrs. Herrick. Well, I'm sure we all hope you'll 
be very happy, Susan. 

Susan. I ain't expectin' to be happy. 

Alice. You don't expect to be happy? 

Freda. Why not? 

Susan. It wouldn't be becomin' to my future 
husband's occupation. (Produces a bunch of busi- 
jiess cards) I've got some of his cards here if any 
of you should ever need anything in his line at rea- 
sonable prices, an' the new Fall styles is just comin' 
out now. (Begins to distribute cards, beginning 
with Mrs. Blainwood) 

Mrs. Blainwood. Thank you, but I don't think 
I shall have occasion to use it very soon. 

Susan. (As she goes on handing out cards) You 
never can tell, an' it's everybody's duty to keep their 
lamp a burnin'. An' talkin' about lamps reminds 
me — if any of you care to send me anything for a 
weddin present, you might make it candlesticks. 
Mr. Simpkins says folks steal 'em where you'd least 



74 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

expect it, an' he's always short. Well, I must be 
-on'. 

Mrs. Delavan. Then good-bye, Susan, and I 
hope you'll be very, very unhappy. 

Susan. Thank you, ma'am, I hope so. Good-bye 
all. 

Omnes. Good bye. (Exit Susan c. and off l. 
The moment she disappecrs each one present lifts 
card and drops it to the floor as by one impulse) 

Slyvester. (Appears at c.) All on for tableau 
one ! 

Alice. (Joining in a move all make toward door 
c.) Oh, do you hear that? 

Fay. They're going to begin ! 

Mrs. Blainwood. And if anything goes wrong, 
I'll be blamed for it. 

Freda. I never was so nervous — I know I'll 
giggle and spoil everything in my tableau. 

Mrs. Blainwood. Fay, dear, pull out that lock 
of hair over your ear — it's too flat. 

Fay. Where's Nora? I thought she was to at- 
tend to us. 

Alice. Yes, dear me ! Where is Nora ? 

(Omnes exit c. and off r. chattering ad lib. Enter 
Hastings at c. looks around and starts to 
exit again zvhen door at l. opens and Con- 
stance enters. She has on the motor coat zvorn 
by Mildred in Act II and over her head is 
draped a zvhite motor veil revealing only her 
eyes. ) 

Hastings. Mildred? (Constance puts a warn- 
ing finger to lip as fearing he will be overheard) 
There's no one around. Take ofiF that veil — you 
look like the Klu Klux Clan. (Constance shakes 
head refusing to doff veil) Well, where's the 
satchel ? 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 75 

Constance. (In a zvhispcr) Here. (Steps 
to door L., reaches in and brings out satchel) 

Hastings. Fine! (Picks up satchel) But how 
light it feels! What's the matter? (He sets down 
the satchel, opens if and fnds that it is stuffed with 
wads of tissue paper. He runs his hand through 
it excitedly, gives a look at outside of satchel to 
see that it is the same, then turns to Constance, 
appalled) Mildred, I've been robbed! Look at 
that! Worthless wads of paper! 

Constance. (In horrified half zvhispcr) No ! 

Hastings. (Furiously) Yes, when you said it 
would be safe — that you'd look out for it. 

Constance. (Quickly removes veil and speaks 
to him partly in the accents of Nora) I have looked 
out for it. 

Hastings. Nora! What does this foolery 
mean? What were you doing in there? 

Constance. (Smiling pleasantly) Maybe I w^as 
dusting the shelves, and maybe I wasn't. 

Hastings. You — you knew I was looking for 
Mildred? 

Constance. I did. 

Hastings. Where is she? 

Constance. Packing up her duds. (Removes 
motor-coat and throws it over the hack of a chair) 

Hastings. (Vexed) Why did she let you in on 
this? And what did she — or you — do with the 
contents of that bag? 

Constance. Sure I can't answer one question 
while you're askin' me half a dozen. 

Hastings. This is no time for practical jokes. 
Who emptied out that satchel? 

Constance. (With smiling deliberation) Well, 
I'm not saying it was old Mr. Delavan, and I'm not 
saying it wasn't ; but if it was Mr. Delavan that 
did it in his absent-minded way, sure he would niver 



y6 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

desthroy thim college essays unless he forgot him- 
self entirely. 

Hastings. Do you mean to tell me old man Del- 
avan has been tampering with my property? 

Constance. Do you want to know what I really 
think ? 

Hastings. Of course. 

Constance. Well, thin, if you want to know 
what I really think — I think he had nothing at all 
to do with it. 

Hastings. Then who 

Constance. Mesilf. I emptied out thim college 
essays, and stuffed the bag with papers in its place 
to make it keep its ilegant shape. 

Hastings. College essays? Why, that was only 
a bluff I made to Mildred. There were twenty 
thousand dollars' worth of bonds and securities in 
that bag at the very least. I knew Mildred wasn't 
over-weighted with brains, but I didn't think she 
was such an utter fool as to confide in you. Why 
in heaven's name doesn't she come? 

Constance. I suspicion a better lookin' man 
than you are may have blocked the way. 

Hastings. You're talking nonsense and you know 
it. 

Constance. Maybe. 

Hastings. You're not the ignorant simpleton I 
took you for — I see that. 

Constance. Faith, your eyesight is improving ! 

Hastings. Where are those bonds and securi- 
ties? 

Constance. Don't be alarmed — I know where 
they are. 

Hastings. Well ? 

Constance. But I couldn't lay my finger on 
thim this moment to save me. 

Hastings. Don't torment me like this — I'll not 
stand for it. 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE -j-j 

Constance. There's plenty of chairs handy if 
you'd rather sir. 

Hastings. {^His fingers working as if he could 
scarcely refrain from strangling her) Don't drive 
me too far, or I may be tempted to force the truth 
out of you. 

Constance. Don't craw-fish your hands at me 
like that, or I'll run! (In desperation, Hastings 
picks tip satchel and thrusts his hand in it again) 
What'U you give me to tell you what you'd be 
afther finding out? 

Hastings. (Straightens tip and regards her with 
renezved interest) So, it's a hold-up, is it? 

Constance. Call it what you like. 

Hastings. Upon my soul, you interest me ! I 
confess you fooled me down to the ground at first, 
but now I've caught on. You are a woman of my 
own world, a woman who knows the seamy side of 
life the same as I do — who lives by her wits as I 
do. How much will you take to tell me all you 
know. 

Constance. A string of pearls and diamonds in 
me hand. 

Hastings. (Tremendously taken back) But I 
— I haven't such a thing. 

Constance. What's the matter with the one you 
took out of your pocket to look at a while ago? 

Hastings. (Completely nonplussed) You — 
saw me? 

Constance. As plain as day. 

Hastings. What were you doing? 

Constance. Looking at you. 

Hastings. From where? 

Constance. I'm not telling all I know, though 
maybe that's little, whin it's told. 

Hastings. Mildred doesn't know I have that 
necklace, does she — or whose it is? 

Constance. Not unless you told her. 



78 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Hastings. But she knows where you put my 
securities, doesn't she? 

Constance. She doesn't know I touched thim. 
The key she wint to look for, ain't where she put it 
because one day I borrowed it, and I've niver put it 
back where I tok it from. 

Hastings. So, all this time she's been search- 
ing for something she isn't going to find, and that's 
what's keeping her? 

Constance. Maybe not that alone. Whin a 
young lady starts to elope in the style to which she 
has been accustomed, it sometimes takes a long 
time. And besides, I'm in no hurry for her to get 
here. And you don't want her to see this whin she 
comes ! {Picks iip satchel and sets it inside door l.) 

Hastings. That means you've deliberately in- 
terfered with the carrying out of our plan. Why? 

Constance. I ain't sayin' it is me reason, and 
I ain't sayin' it ain't ; but you're a good-looking man 
whin the light ain't too strong! And haven't you 
made love to me? Didn't you tell me only to-night 
I bate all thim that was dancin' in there for looks? 
And didn't you try to kiss me? 

Hastings. At last I begin to catch on! If I 
run away with any girl, it's got to be you, eh, Nora ? 

Constance. Right you are! If you, run away 
with anyone, it's got to be me. 

Hastings. Then let me tell you, girl, I fall for 
you right here and now ! You've a nerve that does 
you credit. You'd be the smoothest partner in the 
world for a man playing my kind of a game ! Why, 
if you show the brains in playing for big stakes that 
you've shown in double-crossing me — there isn't a 
confidence woman traveling that could beat you. 

Constance. That diamond necklace in me hand 
would spake louder than all thim flattering words. 

Hastings. I swear that as soon as we're out of 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 79 

here and in my car together the necklace will be 
yours. 

Constance. Why not now? 

Hastings. I want to make sure of you, my lady. 

Constance. Maybe you'll be regretting that I 
ain't Miss Delavan. 

Hastings. Bah ! I looked on her as a pretty toy 
to break and throw away, that's all. I picked her 
up because I found old lady Blainwood held the 
purse strings in that family, and — but what's the 
use of wasting words over them? You're the only 
one I want. Come, let's get the goods and be off. 

Constance. No, no ! Whin you can be so de- 
catef ul to others — the necklace in me hand ! 

Hastings. (Hands it over to her) There, now, 
are you satisfied ? 

Constance. (Pockets the necklace) Well, I'm 
feeling better. 

Hastings. Now, then, those securities ! 

Constance. Ha, ha, ha! 

Hastings. Why do you laugh like that? 

Constance. Because thim securities is more than 
an hour's journey away from here. 

Hastings. What ? You sent them away ? 

Constance. (Nods) I wanted thim where 
they'd be safe. 

Hastings. You — you figured out where I got 
them? 

Constance. Well, I figured out you didn't git 
thim at college. 

Hastings. It's all up with you if you're fooling 
me! I say it's all up — (Approaches her threaten- 
ingly) 

Constance. You might as well calm yoursilf, 
for I can't get ready to lave the house and take 
you to thim before midnight. 

Hastings. (Grasps her by the zvrist) You prom- 
ise 3^ou'll take me to them then? 



8o MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Constance. I promise. 

(Mildred appears in door c.) 
Mildred. Ralph! Oh, Nora, I wasn't expect- 



ing 

Constance. (As Mildred comes doivn) And 
ain't you lookin' at the beautiful tableaux, Miss 
Delavan? 

Mildred. {In a high state of nerzous tension) 
1 don't know that my movements are any concern 
of yours, Nora. 

Constance. (Saiicily) Maybe they are, and 
maybe they ain't. (E.rits c. and off l.) 

Mildred. Dearest, I'm terribly upset! Every- 
thing's gone wrong! 

Hastings. {With assumed interest) Wrong? 

Mildred. Yes. After I" packed my satchel, I 
started to get the key to that Japanese chest and 
— and — Ralph, the key had disappeared ! 

Hastings. {With feigned alarm) No! 

Mildred. Yes. Of course I must have put it 
somewhere else and forgotten it. 

Hastings. {Soothingly) Of course. Don't 
worry. It will turn up somewhere. 

Mildred. {With great surprise and relief) Oh, 
aren't you a darling to take it like that ? I was sim- 
ply terrified when I found the key was gone. I 
thought you'd be so angry with me I wouldn't be 
able to stand it. But that isn't all that's bothered 
me. When I started down stairs to ask you what to 
do, Cruger Blainwood had himself spread across 
them smoking a cigarette. He insisted on my sitting 
down there beside him, when he's never shown the 
slightest interest in me in all his life before. He 
simply would not let me go — kept detaining me on 
one excuse and another until I nearly went wild. 
But at last I broke away. Listen, I think we may 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 81 

be able to get inside that Japanese chest after aU. 
There's a bunch of keys hanging just inside the 
laboratory door and 

Hastings. (Detains her as she starts for door) 
Wei], never mind now. There's no hurry. 

Mildred. {Amazed) No hurry? But I 
thought — — 

Hastings. ( Glibly) Yes, but in the meantime 
I've had an accident. My car — I stepped out to 
see if everything was all right and found it stalled 
completely. It may take hours before it can be 
made to budge. 

Mildred. Why, how dreadful ! 

Hastings. Yes, isn't it? It means a complete 
change in our schedule. I'll go see what can be 
done about it, and send a note to you by Nora when 
I'm ready for you to join me. Of course in the 
meantime that key is sure to turn up. I — I was 
bribing Nora to be a go-between when you came 
in and found me with her. 

Mildred. I wondered what you were talking 
about. Of course the longer we wait the harder 
it's going to be for me to get away — if the tableaux 
are over, for instance ! And I'm still bothered about 
that key, so let's try to open that chest with one 
of the others now. 

Hastings. (Detains her as she starts for door l.) 
Don't ! I'm sure I heard your father — or someone—' 
in there a moment ago. 

Mildred. Father never pays the sHghtest atten- 
tion no matter how much I flutter around. I'm 
terribly uneasy, somehow, until I lay eyes on that 
satchel again and 

Hastings. (Takes her by the arm and pulls 
her away from door l.) Stop! Don't mind about 
the satchel, I say. I'm in no mood to be crossed. 
If you had eyes in your head you could see for 
yourself that my nerves are all on edge. 



82 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

Mildred. {Ajna:;cd and hurt) Ralph! I never 
dreamed you could speak to me like that — to any 
girl like that. 

Hastings. I didn't mean to lose my temper, 
but that car going wrong, and the delay, and the 
chance of running into Fay again — pardon me, 
sweetheart, won't you? 

Mildred. (On the verge of tears) Yes, of 
course — but when you told me the first thing to do 
was to find the key 

Hastings. It's still the first thing to do — that's 
why 1 don't want any fumbling around down here. 
You go upstairs and take another look, then mingle 
in the crowd until Nora finds you with a note. If 
the worst comes to the worst, we can leave the 
satchel where it is a few days just as you suggested. 

Mildred. That seems to me a lot more sensible. 
Why, there's my motor-coat ! (Points to coat dis- 
carded by Constance) I've been looking for it 
everywhere. How on earth did it come here? 

Hastings. How should I know how it came 
here ? 

Mildred. Forgive me for asking foolish ques- 
tions. I forgot how nervous you were. Well, I'll 
take one more look for that key 

Hastings. (Ushers her off at c.) That's right 
— run along now until you hear from me. (She 
exits at l. from c, carrying motor-coat. Hastings 
looks after her, then starts dozi'n toward door l. 
Just as he is about to open it, Celeste appears in 
door c. and hails him. He gives a nervous start 
and conies away from door) 

Celeste. (Enters, carrying a folded note in her 
hand) Is it Monsieur Hastings I spik with? 

Hastings. (Impatient at the interruption) Yes, 
what do you want ? 

Celeste. That lettle Nora — she geef to me this 
billet doux to present to Monsieur when there is no 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 83 

one to rubber in the neck to behold. There. (Hands 
him the note and turns as if to go) 

Hastings. Wait. It may need an answer. 
(Celeste obediently pauses) What's up, I won- 
der? (Opens and reads note) Don't tell me this 
is true ! 

Celeste. (Shrugs her shoulders) How can I 
go to say? I make not the habits to see the inside 
of the billet doux of another peoples. 

Hastings. But she hasn't really jumped the 
town, has she? 

Celeste. (With dignity) I see her not to jump 
anything. 

Hastings. She's still in the house, isn't she? 

Celeste. No, Monsieur. Nora O'Brien she has 
make the depart to return nevair. Oh, me, I nevair 
see anything so gay like Nora! She take off the 
cap and throw it down — so ! Then the apron — so ! 
Then she dance on them — so! (Illustrates above 
statements with abundant pantomime) Then she 
fly to get a pen, and she write and write and write 
very fast. Then she say : " Celeste, geef to Mon- 
sieur Hastings when I am gone." I follow not on 
her footstep, but when Nora O'Brien she is gone, I 
find you as she request and geef to your hand the 
leetle billet doux. 

Hastings. Gad, what an easy mark I've been! 
She's skipped — double-crossed me — and she's got 
it — the necklace — the money — everything! 

Celeste. What ? You go to accuse that so good 
leetle Nora she is not honest? 

Hastings. Shut up, you gabbling French parrot! 

Celeste. Oh, how terrible your angair! 

Hastings. (More to himself than to Celeste) 
I'll follow her until I find her — and when I do she'll 
pay and double pay for tkis! 

Celeste. I am afraid ^if jou. I make my legs 



84 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

to step very fast away from you. (Walks out at 
c. and off R. with exceeding swiftness) 

(Hastings, deeply agitated, paces the floor quickly 
for a moment, and then as if he had come to 
some important conclusion, starts rapidly for 
door c.) 

Cruger. (Steps into door and blocks it just as 
Hastings is aho^it to exit at c.) What's the rush, 
old chap? 

Hastings. Nothing, nothing in particular. A bit 
bored with everything, that's all — just about to take 
my leave. 

Cruger. I'm glad I caught you in time. A charm- 
ing young lady from out of town has expressed a 
wish to meet you. She'll be here in just a moment. 

Hastings. You'll have to excuse me, Blainwood. 
Some other time. My car is waiting and 

Cruger. (Detains him politely as he starts to go) 
I've got to keep my word and present you, you 
know. It won't take but a minute. 

Hastings. (Fiercely) A minute or an hour is 
all the same to me. I don't want to meet the girl. 
I'm done with the sex. 

Cruger. (With assumed surprise) Why, what's 
the trouble? 

Hastings. (More cautiously) Nothing, only 
■ — I — I've important business to attend to and must 
be off. 

Cruger. Rather late in the evening for a business 
call, isn't it? 

Hastings. (Testily) I don't know that my per- 
sonal afifairs concern you any, Blainwood, but — I've 
got to get back to Bridgeton at once. 

Cruger. (Still manages to prevent Hastings 
from leaving the room) Come, I can never per- 
suade the young lady that a Bridgeton engagement 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 85 

is more important than meeting her. It doesn't 
sound reasonable. She couldn't understand that 
social usages in Bridgeton may be different from 
those in Darcyville. 

Hastings. (With a start) Darcyville? 
Cruger. I imagined you might know the town. 
Hastings. But I don't. I was never there in 
my life. 

Cruger. Why, she said you had been ! 
Hastings. {With grozving uneasiness) She? 
Who? 

Cruger. The young lady who compliments you 
by wishing to meet you. Sit down. She'll be here 
directly. 

Hastings. No. I don't feel like meeting strang- 
ers, I tell you. 

Cruger. What better cure for a grouch than 
a chat with a pretty girl? 

Hastings. (As Cruger once more bars his exit 
by putting a hand on his shoulder) Don't talk 
piffle, and oblige me by taking your hand off my 
shoulder. 

Cruger. (Taking even a firmer hold) The 
young lady said I was to present you to her without 
fail, and I'm going to do it, Hastings, if it has to 
be by main force. 

Hastings. (With a snarl) I get you. You're 
up to some infernal trick or other, but I'm not to 
be snared so easily. You can't hold me here against 
my will. 

Cruger. Sure of that, are you ? 

(Constance steps in quietly at l. and stands un- 
observed by Hastings. She has on evening 
gown over zvhich hangs a beautiful wrap.) 

Hastings. I'll show you whether I am or not. 
(He grapples zvith Cruger and they struggle to- 



86 MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

gcthcr, moving through c. into hall as Hastings 
tries to escape) 

(Mrs. Herrick enters hall from r., turns and calls 
o#R.) 

Mrs, Herrick. Help! Stop them! Help! 

{As Cruger forces the struggle hack into room, 
Omnes enter and stand ivatching them, per- 
plexed. ) 

Bert. {Amid excited murmurs from crowd) 
What is it? A wrestling match? 

Freda. Of course, they can't be in earnest ! 

Alice. Yes, but they are! And they'll hurt 
each other. 

Mrs. Blainwood. Nonsense! They can't be 
quarreling ! 

Hastings. Let me out of here, let me out of 
here, I say, or by heaven I'll — {He reaches in kip 
pocket and draivs pistol hut hefore he has a chance 
to bring it forivard Constance, from hehind him, 
reaches out and zvrests it from his hand. Though 
concealing her face from crozvd zuith a fan, she 
has he en intently zvatching the struggle from the 
first) 

Constance. Will you now? 

Hastings. {Turns to find Constance covering 
him zvith his ozvn zveapon) Nora! 

Omnes. Nora! 

Cruger. {To Hastings) The lady who wished 
to meet you — Miss Darcy of Darcyville. 

Hastings. {Clutches at his throat, speaks gasp- 
ingly) You — are — Miss Darcy? 

Constance. {Rapidly, still covering him zvith 
pistol) Yes, daughter of Harvey Darcy from 
whom you stole certain funds intended for transfer 



MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 87 

to the bank and which you found in an old satchel 
used expressly for that purpose. You held on to 
that satchel and its contents too long, Hastings, for 
by identifying both I was enabled to identify you. 
(She takes a step toward him) I promised a while 
ago to take you to where those securities were. I'm 
ready to keep my word. They're back safe in my 
father's office at the Darcy Wille Copper Mills. Do 
you still wish to go along with me? 

Hastings. {Apparently eozved, backs toivard r.) 
Lower that gun, please. I — I give up. I'm beaten. 
I'll face the music. {Suddenly puts out his hand 
and presses a button in zvall R. All the lights go 
out) 

Omnes. "The lights!" "He's snapped them 
off." "Mercy, I'm afraid!" {Exclamations ad 
lib) 

Cruger. Hang it all ! Where's that button ? 
(The lights come on again. Constance at l. is 
seen zvith her arm extended and her finger presses 
against hit ton in zvall l. showing she is responsible 
for the illumination) Constance, he's escaped! 

Constance. {Cool and smiling) To his car, 
where he'll find a detective waiting to give him a 
warm reception. 

Cruger. {Hardly able to believe it) No. 

Constance. You didn't suppose my father's 
daughter would spoil it at the last! 
stance) Your father's daughter? But how could 

Mrs. Blainwood. {Advances tozvard Con- 
Nora, a waiting maid, be Harvey Darcy's daughter ? 
I confess I'm bewildered. 

Mrs. Delavan. {As Constance is about to 
speak) Let me explain, dear. {She takes Con- 
stance by the hand and leads her forzvard) The 
little Nora with whom you are all familiar concealed 
her real identity for purposes of good. Not only 
has she stopped the evil career of Ralph Hastings 



^ MISS SOMEBODY ELSE 

both in Tuxedobrook and elsewhere, but she ha;? 
proven to both Jasper and myself a friend in need 
and a friend indeed. In short — I hold by the hand 
a girl full of madcap mischief, but with the kindest, . 
tenderest heart in the world ! 

Constance. Forgive my little masquerade, all 
of you, won't you? I want you to accept me now 
as just myself — Constance Darcy. If you will, I 
promise to wrap Nora in lavender and put her on 
a great high shelf, and keep her there forever and 
forever ! 

Cruger. No, not forever ! Ne i must be 
brought down from that shelf every on.-^ in a while. 
I can't give up Nora entirely, for it w. Nora that 
promised to marry me. 

Mrs. Blainwood. {Amazed) Cruger! 

Cruger. {Comes to side of Constance) My 
fiancee. We've been engaged for fifty ecstatic 
minutes. 

Constance. {Dropping into brogue) And if 
we have fifty ecstatic years to follow, we'll both be 
satisfied ! 

{All gather arotmd with congratulations.) 

Curtain. 



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